as i may have mentioned in prior postings and in some threads, i've had to change my diet and eating habits quite a bit since learning i had ibs. i've done quite well with avoiding most of the triggers that makes my tummy feel "dirty." I've given up things like red meat, coffee, alcohol, garlic, onions, ice cream, among other things. so just as i had gotten my body into a good routine, eating a way i could deal with, taking my align and my metamucil, i got the flu. The flu really messed with my system.

Without going into all the details, it encouraged my hemmorhoids to flare up. And not go away since then. Since February. Now, not all days are as bad as others, but it's still here. and i think this is a lot longer than i dealt with it last year. I've read the websites, I've tried all kinds of remedies. I've increased my metamucil, stopped the align, started taking magnesium, tried eat more fiber/stool softening foods (bananas, blueberries, etc). I've tried taking baths with lavender. I've reduced my carbs and sweets (somewhat) but it's just not enough and I don't know what else to do. I have a doctor's appt next week, so obviously I know this is the next step, but honestly i think it has to do with me and my will power. i blame myself.

I think if i could just give up sweets completely and lower the bad carbs significantly, i think this would go away. if i could drink more water... if i could do lots of things, but honestly i don't have the time for all that. i'm completely overworked - and desperate to catch up with all my responsibilities.

but i would love to get the relief i so need by being in control of my own eating and drinking.

what stops me you ask? part of me feels so deprived already - that's why this eating EVEN healthier is such a challenge. i hate that i can't just eat what i want. i know, i sound like a crank. i mean, i lost 35 pounds with spark, i know what it takes to lose weight. it's about changing your attitude with food, knowing about moderation, and sometimes saying NO to things. and the baby in me doesn't want to exclude even more things.

i think this is because i have food anxiety. i worry about what my next meal is going to be. i worry about my dessert situation. i worry about being dissatisfied with my food. not full. not satiated. i have emotional ISSUES.

but i have to let go. the sooner the better. i have to say a sincere goodbye to those bad foods that hate me, my tummy, my intestines and all the rest.

can i say goodbye tonight?