Thursday, May 05, 2011
And I Can't Get Up!!!
I just celebrated my 4th anniversary with Spark. I joined initially I think because the site was free, but I really donít think I had my heart into taking my weight off at that time, so for two years, I did little with my account.
When I hit my all time low (self-esteem low Ė not weight) a little over a year ago, I knew I just had to do something to try and get my weight off. I couldnít take the way I felt any more. I thought, well I have that account on Spark, I might as well check it out and see if this will help. So in January of 2010 I logged on and gave it a half hearted effort. By March I had read articles and learned what I needed to do to get started, so from March until the end of December I was determined. I weighed and logged ALL my food. I weighed myself once a week, began exercising and logged that too. I was learning how to eat properly, how to plan, prepare and determine true hunger from boredom. I blogged regularly, read enough articles to fill a book, received multiple trophies and began making lots of sparkfriends. All the articles on Spark were so helpful and there were articles and blogs for almost anything I wanted an answer to. I very quickly began seeing results. My confidence began to soar. At first weight came off more quickly, but I was still losing anywhere from 5 to 8 lbs a month. By November of 2010 I had lost 45 lbs and was close to hitting the 50 lb mark. I was so excited. I could actually see my goal weight. I felt like it was only weeks away. I had 16 lbs to go. I had gone from a tight size 13/14 to a size 8 in 8 months. My husband even got interested in eating healthier and by January he was taking the same steps.
I thought I knew everything there was to taking (and keeping) this weight off for good. Maybe I got over confident. I know that life happens and you just have to make up your mind to do it even when you donít feel like doing it. Itís a lifestyle change and mishaps will happen. You learn to work around them and roll with the punches. You just simply learn to never give up. That said Ė I am not to the point of giving up Ė but yes life is happening and I am allowing it to have a negative effect on me and I feel I am again failing.
Since November I have allowed life and all its disappointments, stressors, problems, hang-ups and urgency's take a toll on me mentally and physically. Each day as I reach for my **sugar** and my unhealthy snacks, I ask myself What Are You Doing? The 5 lb gain didnít bother me much because I assumed I would get a grip on my cravings and get back on track. But when I hit the 8 lb mark, I began to get scared. I havenít weighed myself in about two weeks because I donít think I can bear to see what it says. I keep asking myself What Happened? Why the downhill slide? I know I am an emotional eater and I have allowed all of lifeís little annoyances drive me to food. How was I able to stop in March of 2010, but am unable to stop it now?
Eating healthy makes me feel awesome. Losing weight makes me exude confidence. Wearing smaller sizes puts a huge spring in my step. So why do I now have the need to constantly stuff my face with bad, horrible things and ruin all that has made me feel like a winner? I feel like a little kid rebelling because of things Iím told I canít do.
Hubby was out of work almost 2 years. That was very stressful and I found exercising was hard to fit in with him home all the time, as well as being able to afford to buy healthier foods. It does cost more to consistently eat healthy meals. From reading all the great Spark articles on how to stay motivated, keep on top of the binging, as well as receiving all the wonderful supportive emails and comments from all my spark friends, I thought I was able to handle all of lifeís stressors, but today I sit here feeling like a complete failure.
I daily ask myself what it is going to take to get a handle on things and finish this journey I started with gusto. I know every day is a new chance to start over. I know it isnít over as long as I have breath left in me. But, I am now focusing on the negative instead of the positive, as I had learned not to do months earlier. I am very much worth the effort and I know I can do it, because I had done it earlier. Hubby has even taken off 40 lbs and is looking and feeling better AND he started a new job on Monday. But so far, I havenít been able to claw my way out of this mire. ďJust doin itĒ doesnít seem to be enough right now and Iím wondering what else I can do to help fill in the ditch and get back on top. Life is too short to go thru it feelin (& lookin) like a pile of crap. I know my size doesnít determine who I am and I am a great person despite my looks. But I want my outside to look as good as my inside is. I just hope I can get back in the game before I ruin all that I have accomplished.