I was meeting with a vendor at work yesterday, and she noticed my BodyBugg on my arm. She asked what it was, and in the course of conversation, I told her that I've lost 82 pounds since last June. She was FLOORED. She actually said those beautiful words to me..."I can't picture you being heavy."
You could have knocked me over with a feather right then. I was absolutely and completely speechless.
See, even though I logically know that, as a size 14, I am officially "average sized"...I still *feel* like I'm plus-sized.
The tape plays in my head on continuous loop, and I feel as if, walking around wearing these smaller clothes--size 14 or Large, vs. size 24 or XXL less than a year ago--I'm some sort of imposter. As if people can still see the fat me lurking inside the skinny suit.
But that comment from the vendor? It has really made me think of myself in a new light.
According to the BMI charts, I still have, officially, 55 pounds remaining until I am at a NORMAL BMI. But strangely, when people ask me how much more I have left to lose and I tell them, "about 50 pounds," they look at me like I'm crazy. They even protest...loudly...that I should NOT be trying to lose that much, and that it'll be way too skinny for me.
They're crazy, mind you. LOL
55 pounds will bring me to 131 lbs....or a BMI of 24.9--the very, very top range of "normal". Is BMI everything? Of course not. And I will admit, I might be very happy to stop at 150 lbs. Or 165. Who knows?
It begs the question, though...how will I know when I've reached my ideal body weight? Will I even recognize it? Because, even though I look SO MUCH BETTER than I did 10 months ago..I am certainly not thrilled with what I see in the mirror when I'm naked.
Things are stretched out. Saggy. Baggy. Wiggly and Jiggly. And, in the particular case of my boobs...completely in the wrong place. LOL 30, 40, 55 or more pounds won't change the truth of the damage that I did to my body being morbidly obese for the past 20+ years. Or the fact that I'm almost 41 years old. Or the fact that I've been on fertility drugs, pregnant or nursing babies since January of 2006.
This business of losing massive amounts of weight is really, really, really strange. It's exciting to think about reaching my goal, but at the same time, it's terrifying.
When I look back over the past 10 months, I realize that I have accomplished something that very few people ever do...I have lost 82 pounds. EIGHTY TWO.
But in some ways, I wonder if the steps ahead of me will not be even more daunting. I'm starting to see light at the end of the weightloss tunnel...and I realize something. I am going to have to face some serious demons inside of myself on this next leg of this journey. I'm pretty sure I used food and the layers of fat on my body to cover up some serious wounds. As the weight is coming off, I'm finding some of those sore spots are still pretty raw...and I'm gonna have to deal with them once and for all.
God has given me so much grace to get through this..and I know that He will be there with me as I continue down this road. I just never expected to find that by losing weight, I would discover that the true healing I needed was not in my body, but in my heart.
One step at a time.
This is a beautiful gift.
Forgiveness...for others, and for myself.