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    KANDIKERNAN   1,360
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Posting when things are Good?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What about posting when things aren't so good? It seems I would find the time to post when I feel a PEAK in motivation and then...FIZZLE. I have been doing some soul searching lately shedding alot of tears. I woke up this a.m. puffy faced from crying last night. I started writing down some real defining moments, to which I am not finished. As I wrote some of these sad moments that effected me, I began to cry and realize that all of these outside circumstances have caused me to believe things about myself that are not true. I am finding that I may be using food or my lack of self control to in effect, reject myself. What I am hearing is all the negative things I have thought, said to myself or heard play in my mind. I think of the moment when I fail, eat something I shouldnt have and listen to what I say to myself. It's really sad. I see how these moments I have had have played a role that is very serious in causing me to sabotage a healthy life for myself. I am so sorry that in feeling the pain of rejection and abuses that I have internalized them so much to rejecting myself to the point now I am 120lbs overweight. I actually thought I was free from these past incidences, Yes maybe the pain of them, but in letting go of the incidences I formed a negative persona of myself...does this make sense? I need to really be conscience of EVERY thought and know that I am worth being healthy and to quit rejecting myself. I am still searching and trying to take all this in deeply and not forget what I have discovered today. I am a WONDERFUL person. I have alot of great giftings and talents to share. I am FUN. I DO have value and worth. In the last 15 years I have felt so trapped, paralyzed in myself, don't get me wrong, I have had many SHINING moments as well. But this deep self destructive thinking that would creep up so subtly...the earth is beginning to rumble.....The prison bars ARE SHAKING my friend...
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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 4/27/2011 4:57PM

    You deserve to be healthy! You are worth the effort! Keep shaking those bars!
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Julee

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