Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I joined Sparkpeople over 3 years ago, I think. I wasn't too successful back then and left a few months after joining. I don't think I've felt this physically awful since then. Today I am hypo-thyroid and taking medication every day. I just feel disgusting. I can feel the rolls of my stomach, my arms look huge and jiggly. I don't fit in many of my clothes. My hair looks awful. My husband left me and I just feel like a loser. I feel HUGE. I have little energy and have a difficult time moving.
I can't stand how I look or how I feel. The funny thing is, that the worse I feel, the more I want to eat. The food cheers me up for awhile: anticipating eating, planning what I'll eat, and actually eating it make me feel free and happy. I feel a release when I think about eating. It's like all my cares go away. I am happy. And then I feel lousy. Sometimes I feel physically ill after I eat. I just feel lousy in general...
I have NEVER been successful losing weight. It takes too long to lose weight. I don't like exercise. I love sweet, fattening food. I don't like feeling deprived. I don't like planning meals. I don't like grocery shopping. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. But I don't know if I have it in me to do what it takes to be those things. I have so much discipline in other areas of my life but none when it comes to controlling my eating and exercising. Why can't I do this?