Sunday, April 24, 2011
This is a really hard blog to write, unbelieveably hard, and one which is going to require a large box of tissues to write.
For the past months my health has not been good - no one major thing, but just one health problem after another. These past weeks I have been having trouble with being able to eat anything and keep it down. No trouble eating, just that it wouldn't stay where it was meant to. Constant visits to my doctor who did all manner of tests and found nothing there to explain the reason helped relieve my worries, but still it continued, and along came the migraines, then the complete lack of energy, then my arthritis flared up to be as bad as it ever was at its worst. The list goes on...
As most of you will know, Dad is in our local nursing home, and each day a little more of him slips away. My family have chosen to believe that I brought him here to live with me solely to exploit him, thanks to my sister's conversations and phone calls. No one, other than two of my daughters, have been near him now the end is drawing closer, and even phone calls to family members were never returned, no one even called the nursing home for an update on Dad's condition. I am there with him each day, even though he most times doesn't know me, tells me to go away, but then at other times he lies or sits there holding my hand for hours. I will continue to be there for him, just as he was always there for me whenever I needed him - never ever had to ask, he just knew when he was needed.
After being hospitalized for several hours again yesterday, my doctor has laid it on the line for me - I either remove all commitments from my life, focus solely on my own health, or I will be faced with more than the prospect of having to postpone the rest of my Aged Care course, I will be unable to work at any time in the future. He has agreed I can still go spend time with Dad each day, knows that to be forced to give that up will just make things much much worse, but that's it. Everything else has had to be dropped, and done so immediately.
I know I need to do this, I know I need time to myself, I know I am falling apart physically as well as emotionally, but it really hurts to have to leave Spark People behind till I am better. I have to realize I don't have the ability to bounce back from things as I did when I was in my teens and 20s. As he said yesterday, I will be 60 in 2 1/2 years from now, and if I'm not going to start acting like a responsible adult, when do I plan to start?
So,,, I won't be round for some months, but you will all be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day, and when I am better and am able to, I will be back to catch up on all the wonderful things in your lives I have missed out on hearing about.
In the meantime though, I have had to leave Lexie as the sole leader of 'Finding and Loving Your Inner Tigger' team, and have just had to notify Thiagram, who herself was taking a break from leading 'Sparkling Knitters' that I had to go as of now. Please, if you can help lead these teams, contact the leaders on the team page. Don't just expect them to carry on without help - specially Thiagram, cos she asked me to take over from her. Please, if a few of you get together, you would only have to do a little each to help keep the teams up and running.
Think about it at least.
I am so sorry to have to go with no notice whatsoever, but if not this, then I am facing extended hospitalization, and need to be here for Dad, my dogs and my cats, and my daughters of course. Please understand and forgive me for having to leave in this way. This is definitely something I want to do, or ever thought I'd have to.
Love and good luck to you all. Thank you for all the love and friendship and for all the laughs and information we have shared in the past. Hopefully it won't be too long before we can again, God willing.