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    FREEDAWN   7,698
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I see a pattern here.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Well, I have been so diligent, following Sparkpeople menu plans, tracking food, no extra treats. And I have seen wonderful success. Still a little way to my goal, but headed there. And I have a good map, so all I have to do is keep going. Right?

Not me. It wouldn't be a challenge if I didn't make it hard. And maybe even try to thwart myself. Is it possible I'm not comfortable with my own success? That the image as a failure, or at least not good enough is more consistent with how I see myself. Also telling people that I am doing well, only ups the ante for sabotaging Dawn.

So for the last 4 days, I have fallen off the Sparkpeople wagon. Not binging, but not tracking my food. We went away for a few days, so I was eating restaurant food. I even ordered my favorite dessert one night. My husband even asked "What kind of diet are you on?" And I just said that I had been so good for so long.......

I have done this over and over and over. See progress, and then undo it all. Lose 5 lbs, and then gorge on ice cream and gain 6. "Well it's a holiday weekend, right?" " I'll get back to it on Monday." "A little won't make me gain weight." "I just want to eat like a normal person." "I'm SO tired of tracking my food." It is this little Devil Dawn sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. Trying to keep me locked into the 'self deprecating not good enough' state I seem so comfortable with.

I think I am writing this blog to tell on myself. Hopefully before it is too late. I really want this success. I really want it too be different this time. I can see how it is possible. But those old habits, those old patterns of behavior are so strong. This new way of being is less comfortable. Less familiar. Doesn't fit like an old shoe. But I think it is time to get new shoes.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/23/2011 1:21PM

    Yes, it is time for new shoes emoticon I am glad you told on yourself. As you know, from reading my blogs (thank you by the way) I tell on myself a lot, too. I like that your husband is not afraid to question you - yet does it in a curious, "just checking" kind of manner. Okay, that is done and you are here, now. To use a rather tired (but apt, I believe) metaphor: this is not a sprint, it is not even a marathon, it is an ULTRA marathon. You know how those crazy ultra people make their bodies go a hundred miles, don't you? They just keep moving forward. They do not run full out the whole time, sometimes they barely shuffle but they shuffle forward. Sometimes they have a nice, gentle downhill, sometimes a brutal uphill, sometimes just a pedestrian flat stretch but they KEEP INCHING FORWARD, and they stop for brief rests, and water, and fuel but they don't lie down and give in because it is too hard to get back up. Catch your breath, drink your water, eat your fuel, and get back here on the course with your fellow ultramarathoners. We need you here and we know you have it in you. You haven't made it this far by accident - you are here for a reason. Okay, then, carry on emoticon emoticon emoticon

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