Thursday, April 21, 2011
My room mate is worse than ever. He usually comes out of it by now. I tried reaching out to him yesterday. All it did was get me metaphorically slapped. Unfortunately, all I could do was withdraw into myself and push him away again. Which unfortunately makes things worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not willing to compromise my self worth to make him happy. Not anymore. Period. Right now I am wondering if it's even worth trying to salvage a friendship. I think he may be so hurt by now that there is no salvaging anything. Period.
I am so confused. I figure he hates me. Then I ask him for some help, and he does it. Nothing major. I forgot my lunch at home today. He brought it to work for me. Wouldn't even say two words to me. Just dropped it on my desk and left. So what does that mean?
I need to put this out of my thoughts. I need to focus on what I need to do today. Today I need to run W1D3HM - an easy 40min run. I need to be hydrated and properly fueled so I can do this. That's what's important today. Not him and his drama.
I just sent him a long email explaining how I feel and what I need. I need him to tell me what to do here. Do I leave? Do I just give him space? Do I keep fighting to find the friend I used to have? What do I do???
Okay, now that that's out of the way, it's time for me to focus on what I need to do. That race is getting closer every day.
I'm in a little trouble today. I am sitting here debating just picking up and going home. I don't want to be here. What's at home do you ask? Bed. Dark. Sleep. Nothing. A place to wallow. So not good for me right now. I just am so drawn to it again. What good will it do me to go home? It will just lead to me loosing my job sooner. It will lead to me slipping back into a depression. It will lead to nothing good.
Then why do I want to go? I guess part of me is hoping Colin - room mate - will be there. In my mind, he'll be there and we can talk about what is going on. WRONG! He had the chance last night to talk to me. Not so much. Why would he talk to me today??? Reality is he won't.
So why do I want to go home? I'm hurting. I'm sad. I want to be alone. I will get enough alone time after 4pm today. I will be alone until work again Monday morning. So NOT good. I will not only be alone, it will be worse than being alone. I will be alone in his house. With him sulking like he is. I just don't know if I can do it.
Turn the thoughts somewhere else. I need to run today. It will help me through this. It will also bring me one day closer to my goal for the upcoming Marathon. There is a local 5/10K coming up. On May 14 I believe. I think I'm going to sign up for it. There is a BBQ for the BAD CRU here in Estevan that day too. I am thinking this run will help keep me distracted and away from that. Might be a good thing. Heck, a great thing. Or I could go run, then come back and check it out. Colin and Carol will be there. So don't want to have to deal with that.
Oops. GET OUT. I don't need those thoughts in my mind. Not right now.
I'll be going running in 2 hours. I need to make sure I get enough water before then. I also should eat a banana before then too. Not a problem. I have 3 of them on my desk as I write this. Guess it's time to get out of my emotional mess blog, and start to write my motivational running blog.
I'm just about to head out to run. Feeling like crap all of a sudden. Texted room mate. Don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Anyhow, got my standard one word answer. Texted back asking if he was working today or not. No answer. Sent it again. Still no answer. I know he got it.
Why am I letting this a$$hole get me down. Sorry about the swearing. I'm just so upset. I tend to swear a bit when I'm angry.
He doesn't even deserve a single second of my thoughts. Add to that the stress at work and look out. I'm just so sick of it all.
Help. I need to find my inner fight. I'm gonna need it to run today. 40min of solid running. I need all the energy I can muster. Feeling like this won't get me far.
Am I gonna let this creep into my head space? Take away my chance at a victory over today's run? No way. I need to get him out. He has no right to space there. That's mine. He wants to stew and be angry like this, that's his problem.
I got a goodie from a sparkfriend this morning. I had to print it off. Not so much the goodie, but the message she sent with it. It was basically kick him out, and get out there and run. I should take that advice. I am just so stuck...
I am stewing again. I finished my run successfully. Was busy enjoying it. Told a friend. No not my room mate. Another friend. His response: cool, but that's a long way from 26.2miles.
Maybe I over reacted, but with support like that who needs enemies??? I know that. I also know I have 25 weeks to prepare. and a 22 week program to get me to the Marathon. How about a little support here???
Even told him so.
Nothing like making me feel like my accomplishment was a nothing. Heck. I'd like to see that boy run over 3miles no break. Besides, I'm not trying to break a record or anything. I plan on a walk/run plan on the actual day of the marathon. But if I train to run the whole way...
That's how I finished my first half. I trained to run the whole thing. Ran and walked through it. No pain. No aches. Not even the next day.
Why can't people in my life be more supportive?
Just sitting here thinking. I am pretty worn out . I didn't bring enough to eat for after my run. Not a biggie. But it's got me contemplating all sorts of things.
Was my friend being that unsupportive earlier? I don't think so. I think it was stress taking over. I texted him back and appologized.
What am I going too do with my room mate? I have no idea. I just texted him too. Asked if he wanted to do something tongiht, or if he just wanted to be alone. I really don't care either way. Actually, yes I do. I don't really want to do anything with him.
Why do I feel I need to reach out to him to try and fix this? I just don't get it. What we had is gone forever now. But there is still a part of me that wants him to get over this issue and talk to me. I thought we were friends. Maybe I was wrong...
I need to start to think about what I'm going to do tonight. I really don't wan to sit at his house alone tonight. But that's most likely what'll happen.
Maybe I should take my laptop and go to the bar. Yes, I'm the strange one in the corner playing on the computer. Sipping a soft drink. But I know a few people there already. I feel safe there. I am actually kind of hoping I run into a friend there. He asked if I would like to get out and see a movie or something sometime. That was a couple months ago. Haven't seen him much since. Might be time to take him up on it. I'm not interested in dating him, but spending time with someone else would be really nice right about now. I just got to make sure I'm clear about that up front. I don't need assumptions made...
Wow. I'm really dragging. Tired. Worn out. Good thing work is over in half an hour.
Well, no surprise here. He still hasn't responded to my text. I'm not even sure if he's actually working, or using it as an excuse to avoid me. AGAIN!!! I'm so beyond done at this point...