Sunday, April 17, 2011
I rarely share my feelings here in my blogs. I guess it has to do with vulnerability. I think most fat people keep their true feelings to themselves which is one reason that I guess I am fat. I used to self medicate my feelings with food. I don't do that any more but I still do not share my feelings. I always feel I have to be perfect and invincible. I am far from that and I am quite honestly freaking out about my upcoming surgery.
A person is considered obese if his or her body mass index is greater than 30. Sad to say but mine is well over 30. Surgery for obese patients presents special challenges for the doctor and the anesthesiologist. Medication dosing with anesthesia can vary with heavier individuals and the heavier you are the more problematic. You definitely have an increased risk of complications from anesthesia.
Tomorrow I go to visit my doctor who is also the surgeon to go over last minute details. He will attempt to perform the surgery as an arthroscopic 1st but if the tear on my rotator cuff has grown and is now to big I have to get cut with a full shoulder incision. I am hoping that they attempt to do a twilight anesthesia 1st for arthroscopic rather than put me under all the way. I realize that if it meant to be a full cut then I will be totally out. I guess I will get the details tomorrow.
I have had numerous surgeries before so I am not sure why I am so nervous now. Maybe because I am now 56, maybe because I have been diagnosed Type II Diabetes and am no longer in denial about it, or I don't know what. I just know that this time I am afraid I may not come out from the anesthesia and it scares the Hell out of me.
I asked my priest for a blessing before Mass because as a Catholic you always leave the Church after Mass on Palm Sunday in silence. Father Mark actually anointed me with oil after he prayed over me. I did feel a little less anxious after the anointing but now that I am home the fear is coming back.