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I am scared!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I rarely share my feelings here in my blogs. I guess it has to do with vulnerability. I think most fat people keep their true feelings to themselves which is one reason that I guess I am fat. I used to self medicate my feelings with food. I don't do that any more but I still do not share my feelings. I always feel I have to be perfect and invincible. I am far from that and I am quite honestly freaking out about my upcoming surgery.

A person is considered obese if his or her body mass index is greater than 30. Sad to say but mine is well over 30. Surgery for obese patients presents special challenges for the doctor and the anesthesiologist. Medication dosing with anesthesia can vary with heavier individuals and the heavier you are the more problematic. You definitely have an increased risk of complications from anesthesia.

Tomorrow I go to visit my doctor who is also the surgeon to go over last minute details. He will attempt to perform the surgery as an arthroscopic 1st but if the tear on my rotator cuff has grown and is now to big I have to get cut with a full shoulder incision. I am hoping that they attempt to do a twilight anesthesia 1st for arthroscopic rather than put me under all the way. I realize that if it meant to be a full cut then I will be totally out. I guess I will get the details tomorrow.

I have had numerous surgeries before so I am not sure why I am so nervous now. Maybe because I am now 56, maybe because I have been diagnosed Type II Diabetes and am no longer in denial about it, or I don't know what. I just know that this time I am afraid I may not come out from the anesthesia and it scares the Hell out of me.

I asked my priest for a blessing before Mass because as a Catholic you always leave the Church after Mass on Palm Sunday in silence. Father Mark actually anointed me with oil after he prayed over me. I did feel a little less anxious after the anointing but now that I am home the fear is coming back.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Praying for you girl!
    2530 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2530 days ago
  • DS9KIE
    Everything will turn out great, you just got to keep saying that. Just ask lots of questions so you know everything thats going on. emoticon
    2531 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    Dawn is right, it's a good time to put your faith INTO ACTION!~
    After all, God IS in control and He sees all and cares for each
    of us. Give your care and fears to Him and rest in His Peace.

    Prayers & Hugz
    2531 days ago
    We're all here for you, and it's all been said. Hope you feel the vibes! And as Dusty suggested, talk to the anesthesiologist.
    2531 days ago
    It is okay to be scared and I am glad that you can share your feelings. Trust in the team that will be working on you and their skill and dedication. They've done this many times before and you are going to be alright.
    2531 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and will keep you in my prayers. emoticon Love Rosa
    2531 days ago
    Yvonne - As many have said, it's natural to be nervous & even scared. I hope all the love that is pouring out to you through these comments is comforting you. When I was growing up & afraid of something I'd remember my mom singing the song "God Will Take Care of You." If you don't know the song, google the lyrics & especially read the chorus.

    Lastly, I'll leave you with Psalm 34:4 - I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (NASB)

    With love from another member of your sparks family,
    2532 days ago
    I have had several operations before Spark and I was NOT at a healthy weight then, ONE WAS similar to yours! I always found the apprehension before the operation was the worst part. I am praying for you dear friend. God be with you. emoticon emoticon deb
    2532 days ago
  • .DUSTY.
    Have you asked to meet with the Anesthesiologist? It's done all the time. I'm sure you'll feel much better knowing he/she understands your concerns about being overweight and getting anesthesia and will be able to reassure you.
    2532 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2011 10:24:49 PM
  • MARTY728
    I am praying for you!
    2532 days ago
    Keep the faith......I'll say a prayer for you.
    emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    Keep the faith......I'll say a prayer for you.
    emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    You are in my prayers dear friend. It will all be alright. I understand your fears and they are NOT unreasonable. Just allow your faith to help you calm down. God will protect & watch over you. Love, Dawn emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
  • WILLOW49
    Yvonne, everything will be just fine. If I can survive heart surgery (and I have more health problems than you), then you will come through this surgery well! Go in with a positive attitude, know that so many people are praying for you and sending you good vibes. Remember if God brought you to it, he will bring you through it. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
    emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
  • SUSAN134
    (((Yvonne))), you and I are similar in many ways ....age, size, Type II diabetes - and the masking of scared or bad feelings. I can so empathize from where you are coming from. I would be scared too. As others have said, it is a natural feeling, especially when it is against something we have no control over. What you do have control over though is the fact that you asked your priest to bless you, you are posting about your apprehension here, you know now of the support and prayers of your Spark family, and you know that you are
    in God's hands.

    I think you have a winning hand!!

    Will be thinking positive thoughts and sending love and prayers your way and look forward to your update!


    2532 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    sending positive thoughts and prayers...
    blessings and hugs...........lita

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2011 4:44:39 PM
    I am keeping you in my prayers, Yvonne. I'm so proud of you for blogging about your feelings. I know it's difficult to put it out there and to be vulnerable, but the only way to get the support you need is to ask for it. We're here for you, rooting for you, praying for you, and sending you good positive healing energy.
    Write as much as you need about what's going on with you, because it will make you feel better.
    2532 days ago
    God will be looking out for you. Don't be afraid. You'll be fine.
    2532 days ago
    Yvonne, I understand how you feel. I have been in the hospital numerous times and I know I was scared each time. Know that ALL your sparkfriends are here for you. Will keep you in my prayers. Take care!
    Amy emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    My thoughts and prayers are with you emoticon
    2532 days ago
    If you are scared, you are normal. It's natural to have fear when we have no control. That's when it helps to be able to let go of the reins and trust. Trust building takes an investment of time. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take a trust pill the day before surgery? I think that's why they give anti-anxiety med. My advice would be to pray. God knows how vulnerable you're feeling right now, pour it all out to Him who never slumbers, never sleeps, He's listening. Then silence all the "what ifs" that are dancing around your head. Don't allow the negative thoughts to creep in. Isaiah 41:10, a great verse suggestion from 2QUIETUDESGOLD to remind yourself that you are safe. We will all be waiting to hear from you as soon as you are able to type.
    emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    I hope it all goes well - I'll be thinking of you! emoticon
    2532 days ago
    Lots of prayers and only good thoughts.
    2532 days ago
    Hugs and prayers! emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    Thanks for sharing with us who care about you. I agree with others who say trust your doctor and anethesiologist who wouldn't do the surgery if they didn't believe your current health and health conditions could support it. My mom is 74, weighs over 300 lbs., has type 2 diabetes and copd and has had 11 surgeries in the past 2 years. One was an emergency surgery and she'd just polished off a full course mexican dinner minutes before she had to go under. Not ideal by any means, but perfectly fine. Anyway, try to do something to get your mind off of it and know we're thinking of you and praying for you.
    2532 days ago
    Blessings to you as you encounter this difficult week. Remember, if the Dr. thought the state of your overall health wasn't good enough, he would refuse to do the surgery. He would make you wait until he thought you were more healthy. He believes everything will go well.

    Try to find something else to think about today so you can relax. God Bless you.

    2532 days ago
    My thoughts are with you. emoticon
    2532 days ago
    lots of hugs and prayers for you, yes, surgery is scary but God will be with you. I hope you don't mind but these verses always help me when I'm scared.
    Isaiah 43:2
    2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
    When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
    Nor shall the flame scorch you.

    Isaiah 41:10
    10 Fear not, for I am with you;
    Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you,
    Yes, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with My righteous right hand
    2532 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2011 1:56:39 PM
    I will pray for you. I understand your fear, I have been there. I was afraid when I had back surgery in September for the first time in my life. I will keep only good thoughts for you.
    2532 days ago
    I know it's very scary any time you need to have surgery and unfortunately, I too understand the complications that come along with being obese.

    I will be praying for you that you get the arthroscopic instead of the full incision and that your recovery is comfortable and fast.
    2532 days ago
    It is not all that unusual to have nerves at a time like this. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    2532 days ago
    AAAAWWWW things will be alright you have to have trust in your dr and the anestheo i had my right should done last year i did a banana split in our driveway and injured my shoulder and now i thinki i have to get my left shouloder done because clumbsy me fell over 1 of those cement parking blocks and broke my big toe and landed on my arms.... i agree the older you get the more you worry about going under

    but just relax and before u know it it will be over

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    2532 days ago
    I wish I could say something that would take away the fear but I know that is not possible. I was terrified before my gall bladder surgery. I hope knowing that your SparkFamily will be sending lots of prayers and well wishes your way will help ease your anxiety somewhat.
    emoticon emoticon
    2532 days ago
    Keep your faith and you will be safe. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.
    2532 days ago
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