Sunday, April 17, 2011
So have you ever noticed that life really is like Brayn Addams says like a rollercoaster. Well the last couple of weeks i think mine got stuck somewhere...maybe in the big loop. And now I'm hanging...screaming my lungs out hysterically!
Where to start...mmm...well I was at home for the holidays when I realized I had been having these major stomach pains for a while and decided to go to the doctor. A sonar and some blood tests revealed the problem was actually my liver. My insulin levels were 41 and it's suppose to be 9. So I'm what they call insulin intollerent...whatever that means. Then they sent me to a dietician who said that my eating habbits are aside from some minor things actually fine. But then she said the dreaded word...she said i was obese...really I'm 75kg. I know I'm over weight but obese...isn't that a bit harsh lady. Darn.
Anyway I was down for most of the week and then my boyfriend decided to add to my depression and dump me...aparently we're in seperate stages of our lives.
So I came home with a stack of work and we were having lunch when I finally cracked. I scared the jeepers out of my parents cause I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I couldn't get a word out.
Then I forced out the words: I CANT DO IT ANYMORE! I realized it's rock bottom. I couldnt go on living like this. I hated every day. Everything made me misarable. To make a long story short we started talking about my studies and my dad asked me whether I was even studying what I really wanted to anymore. And then I realized what I have probably known for more than a year...I didn't want to be a lawyer. That's why I was struggling my ass off as well...this wasn't what I wanted to do. I never was cut out to be a lawyer. I love animals. I live for nature. Not paperwork. So we decided to stop my studies.
I'm in a bit of a panic now cause I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with my life but it feels like an adventure now. I have to figure out who I am. Don't know how yet but I'm getting there. And I've narrowed my choices down to doing either a service year for Christ or studying again next year. Now I just need to figure out 2 things...what am I going to study. And what am I going to do for the rest of the year. I've started by realizing some stuff i don't want to do like waitering.