Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Professionals state that change is made when (a. you reach a critical crisis point or b. the pain of changing becomes less than the pain of not changing.)
Someone said to me that there are two types of people. Imagine you are in a baseball game, the first type fears the ball coming to them. The second type is like I want it. Give me the ball.
I was born a spunky talkative joyous little girl who wanted the ball. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted to shine. But over the years of childhood, I started to fear the ball. Early on, I would sit in the crowd silently wishing to be chosen and praying for dear life that the chance pass me. And it has been reinforced for 30 years.
Years of thinking, reconciling, and forgiving... the fact remains the same.
I stand in two worlds wishing for two different things never giving up or into either.
I won't make the changes to be open to the man of my dreams.
But I refuse to date anyone other than that person.
I won't make the changes to have a better job suited to my personality possibly even my own creative efforts.
But I won't stop hating my daily job feeling like I am being murdered each morning as I stuff the pain deeper as the sunny skies pass.
It is all my fault. I can see patterns and how I didn't interpret or have the knowledge to interpret properly. I can see how the things that were done were heinous and seemingly unforgivable. But I did.
But... somewhere I hold on to something or everything so tightly that I can not accept, achieve or build a solid foundation of growth and footsteps.
I stand here with my sagging wings with no muscle tone and my fat tummy and my twig legs buckling under the mere weight of my mass.
I will fly.
I will create proper steps and foundations.
I will weap, alone if I must.
I will cultivate what I have into something.
I will prove that I belong in the skies with the other birds.
I will do all those things that bog me down with fear.
I will live like my bird mentors trusting that life will provide, I just need to fly.
It is what it is.
I have done what I have done.
This too... will pass...
I will fly.