Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I am so scared. I've been here a million times - ready to start, enthusiastic and something always comes along that makes me give up. I want to think that I can do this but I'm always waiting for the ball to drop. Everyone is supportive of what I'm doing so it's not my family that's against me. I've been trying to buy healthier groceries, so it's not my cupboards that are against me. I really can't pinpoint it but I just feel like something is out there. Lol sounds so paranoid! It's like I hate to even feel successful with this because I have failed so many times before.
I do know I hate how I feel right now. I hate catching glimpses of myself in the reflective windows at school. I hate tugging on my clothes all the time trying to cover up my belly. I hate being so tired all the time. I hate always being the fattest person in the crowd. I hate looking at chairs and hoping they don't break. I hate putting off going to an amusement park because I'm afraid I won't fit in the rides.
Wow - this is a very negative post. Can't really say I like being this way but this is what I've been sitting on for a while and I really felt like I needed to let it all out. Guess it's time to focus on the positive and not the negative. Self talk Shan!