Monday, April 11, 2011
Lately, I've been having this vision of a pheonix. Thru my short time on this earth, I've endured two transformations; rising from the ashes of what life has thrown at me. I feel like it's time for me to do it again. I am not happy with myself. Depression and anxiety are something that I struggle with daily, some days better than others. My weight is something that I have struggled with for the past 11 years. I have always been "thick" but not obese, and very active. One mentally and physically abusive marriage leading to divorce later, depression almost takes my life a couple of times and I blow up like a blowfish. By the time I finally get this man out of my house, I have a broken jaw, belly full of sleeping pills and am off on leave for 4 months. I lost weight then because I couldn't eat. Back in the swing of things, divorce not quite final, I find out thru my ex-mother-in-law thru an email that she sends me that the soon to be exhusband has a baby with the new gf. Serious blow to my self esteem and confidence.
I find myself lately with very low self esteem and confidence. I hate how I look. I hate how round my belly is...and I'm not even at my biggest! (thank goodness!) I'm ashamed to admit I was bigger. :( But now, I feel like I want a change...not that I need a change but I want it. And because I want it so badly I feel confident that I will be able to attain my weight loss goal. I want to be healthier. I want to be healtier mentally too. I don't want to keep putting myself down in my head. When I look in the mirror I see an ugly woman and I wonder why people bother with me when I don't feel like I'm anything at all.
I'm glad that I found this site. It's something or someone else to be accountable to, to help me stay on track and give me support when I need it. I hope that I can give support to people that I meet on here too.
I am like a pheonix...I will rise from the ashes. Watch me rise.