When will I be ready to change?
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
I'm depressed. Like hardcore, can't stand myself, want to scream, pissed off, wishing I could swear on my Spark Blog depressed. Tomorrow marks 8 months since we moved to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. Yeah, yeah, I know, murder capital of the world, blah, blah, blah. I don't eat because I am fearing a stray bullet for God's sake.
I have no excuse. I don't understand why I can't pull myself together. What's wrong with me. My eating is out of control. My drinking is out of control. I am buried so deep and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I weigh 20 lbs more that I was at my worst. I've been a member of SP for like 4 flipping years now and here I am. Worse than when I started. I've battled drug addictions, I've battled immigration, I've gotten out of an abusive relationship, lost a child, been raped. I've gotten over it all. Why in the eff can't I tackle this food addiction? Why can't I just eat right and exercise? Why? WHHHHY?!?! I don't get it.
Work is amazing. My husband is amazing. My friends are amazing. I love myself. Me. My personality, my intelligence, my witt. Why can't I overcome these physical ailments? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change. I am such an addict it's disgusting. Food is worse than low-life men, worse than red wine, worse than methamphetamines. What do I do?
I know, I know. I develop a plan. I blog. I log my food. Yadda yadda yadda. I've been there. I've done that. I've lost weight. I always, always, always, gain it and more back. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything.
:steps off pathetic, woe-is-me soapbox: