Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Some of you may recall these pictures I took of myself all dressed up for a benefit event with my theatre company in October of 2010:
I was just down 50 pounds at that point and feeling like a queen. I had received a ton of compliments at the benefit and I was feeling really great.
Flash forward 6 months to tonight and another benefit event. Different black dress, but another overwhelming night of compliments and praise from people who, in some cases, haven't seen me in the last 50 pounds:
In so many ways, I feel like exactly the same person I did (almost) 100 pounds ago, so it surprises me sometimes when people make a huge deal about how much I've changed. I guess the difference this time is that while my body is clearly changing on the outside, who I am on the inside is very much the same and only getting stronger.
There is one person in my life right now who keeps making reference to the fact that I'm "a mere shadow of the person I used to be" - to which my response is - I'm not a shadow at all! Though I know he means it in good spirit, it sounds like such a negative thing - to be only a shadow of your former self. I may be smaller in body, but mightier in essence - there is nothing about ME that is fading away, I can promise you that.
I have said it before that I believe that one of the reasons people struggle with weight is because being big gives us the PLACE in the world that we so desperately need. Physically, we are present because we take up (more) space. When we begin to lose the weight, we need to compensate for that physical space that we're also losing. If your spirit and essence and personality DON'T grow to fill that space, then I don't believe you can be successful at keeping the weight off because you are neglecting yourself and the space every human needs to feel present in the world. The fact that I DON'T feel any different now than I did 50 pounds ago tells me two things: 1 - that I was ready to make the journey in the first place, and 2 - that I have done a good job so far about compensating for my physical loss of space with growth of spirit. With any luck, that will be all I need to see this through to my ideal way of life at a weight that is comfortable and healthy.
But for tonight I will continue to rejoice in my physical accomplishments - cause damn, I DO LOOK GOOD