Monday, April 04, 2011
So..... I've had a tough couple of days. This journey has been very long and after two years I'm finding myself more frustrated then ever. I was reminded of another time when I had a big goal that turned into a situation in which the journey was so difficult that the end result was not worth it. I wanted to be a CPA, applied thinking I was good to go for the exam and was told that I hadn't met the criteria. I was devestated but "persevered" and ended up spending a fortune on another degree only to be told no 18 months later when I AGAIN applied.
So I gave up. But that's an oversimplification. The truth was I became so OBSESSED with this goal that I was making myself miserable and comletely forgot why I wanted a CPA in the first place - to get a better career.
Well, I "gave up" on the CPA and guess what? I have a better career! And I'm more relaxed and happy.
I think I am now doing the same thing with my health. I am obessed with the scale because just like having a CPA is a mark of having a good career having a weight of 128 lbs (my goal that I hit little over a year ago) is a mark of good health. But I don't feel at all healthy. I hate tracking food, I hate weigh ins and I yoyo the same 5-10 lbs each month, sometimes within a week. Yeah, I've gained at my worst 8 lbs. in ONE WEEK.
I think this goal weight has to go where the CPA has gone. Today is that I am putting away the scale, keeping a journal and focusing on what I SHOULD eat and HOW I FEEL. No more 5-6 days of eating 100% to plan and then 3 days of binging and guilt. Each day I will eat to feel my best. If I am hungry, I will have a snack and not worry about going over my calories. If I'm not hungry, I won't eat. I don't HAVE to eat something so I'm not "hungry later" If I'm hungry later, I can eat later. Yeesh. Just typing that I realize how crazy this has become, lol!
This is going to be hard though. I like to quantify things (accounting major, lol!) and measure my success that way. But it's really hurting me so I need to do this for me.