Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Size Of My Life keeps expanding as I refuse to define the size of my life by the size of my body.
In January I decided I wanted to make a bigger commitment to running so I decided to consider running planned runs, with the New York Road Runners. I became a member and found out about the NYC Half Marathon.
Of course, it felt scary to sign up, because I knew once I did I would expect myself to follow through.
I needed it to be very personal and very private because I was doing it to prove something to myself and nobody else. Now, that feels a little selfish and vain, especially, since I was running for a charity. However, it was the best I could do at the time, and I still raised money, because when you run for a charity there is a minimum fundraising requirement you must meet.
I was competing against myself and the only ones who needed to know was Alexa, people watching Alexa while I trained and me.
While I was training I was experiencing a lot of pain in my right knee, and I started to think I can't do this. I am not in good enough shape for this. I am not the right size. I do not have a runner's body.
All of a sudden I realized I was falling back into old patterns of thinking, patterns that involved fear, judging myself to be not enough and the wrong size to run a half marathon, as if there was a right or wrong size, which of course there is not.
In fact, I almost psyched myself out of the race. Afterall, what if out of 15,000 people I was the last one running?
I considered just not showing up to pick up my running bib on Friday March 18, 2009, the only available time I had to do so.
However, I have never been one to give up, so I reminded myself that I was not doing this for the numbers, it was not the size of my running time.
In fact, I realized, for me, the goal was to complete the half marathon, it really would not matter if I was the last of 15,000 people, because I would have accomplished so much more than when I started training in Jan.
When I arrived at Central Park the first person I met was a 24 year old girl, with long legs, who looked as if she was made for running, and she was wearing her high school track shirt, and yet she was starting with me. We started talking and she confided in me that she almost did not show up for the race.
The woman I met after her, was from California, and travels so she can be in different marathons, and she was talking about how she did not feel she had completed her training in preparation for this race.
All of a sudden I remembered that we so often think we are the only ones feeling scared and not good enough, when the truth is it is all part of the human experience.
The truth is the people who are running marathons, writing books, following any of their dreams, have not perfected their skills or banished their fear, they are moving forward despite being imperfect and despite their fear.
Every day we each have opportunities in hundreds of small ways to keep moving our life forward despite our imperfection and fear.
Have a large sized day, and a large sized life!!!