Tuesday, March 29, 2011
...but a strange thing happened as I became squishier and squishier. My career finally took off. It put me in a worse situation actually because instead of just filling my body with marginally prepared food that was convenient and handed to you in a bag through a window, I'd go out to eat at a nice restaurant every night not because that's how I chose to blow my money but becaues I felt I DESERVED it. Just like when I was a kid and got a Ho-Ho for not lighting the living room on fire, I felt I DESERVED the double martini with the roquefort stuffed olives. Salad? No, send over the fried calamari. Hmmm...grilled vegetable platter or the ribeye? Can't have red meat without red wine! Better get that bottle of California Zin. Wellllll, what's a little creme brulee...it's so light and fluffy...what could it possilby hurt?
So heart-broken skinny mini cartwheeled into brash jiggly-wiggly. Although things were looking up and up professionally with each caloric counterpunch my personal life became less and less satisfying. I can remember being baffled that despite being secure, solvent and sprightly, I was becoming invisible as I sat on the sidelines of the Sadie Hawkins Dance. How could that be, I applied four squirts of Axe daily? How was it possible, I always spoke very loudly and crudely wherever I went so people knew I was important? And if I was out for dinner, I laughed the loudest at the restaurant because IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was having fun and I wanted everyone to know it.
After having to bribe my date with designer drugs and new pair of stilettos in order for her to attend my company Christmas party, I knew a serious adjustment was in the works. So I did what any over-entitled American would do and I enrolled in a medical weight loss program and hired a personal trainer. The results were astounding right out of the gate; I dropped ten pounds the first week. What's more, since it was an all liquid diet I found that instead of mixing my chocolate, vanilla or strawberry meal replacement with water I could mix it with vodka. Bam! Two in one! It was very efficient.
My workouts sucked though. I could barely make it through a set because my metabolism was cannibalizing the protein in my muscles, and my energies levels were scant and erratic after subsisting on 800 kilocalories. My breath was also on par to the smokestack of a rendering plant because I was in a constant state of ketosis and dehydration. In addition, the nutritional supplements smelled like burning sweat socks and anything that I digested whether it was black coffee, liquid nutrition or vodka came steaming out of my pores because my body immediately soaked up anything that I stuck into it.
But again, I became thin. And who doesn't like that?