Tuesday, March 29, 2011
OK, so you know on the Biggest Loser, when each of the contestants has the one moment (usually with Jillian) where they hit an invisible wall and totally break down and lose their shit? Then, Jillian turns into "nice Jillian" and becomes a therapist and works through it with them? Usually, it's something deep-seated, like they don't feel like they deserve to be happy. And Jillian convinces the contestant that they DO deserve happiness. And then they dry their eyes and decide not to give up and move on. And, usually, from that point on...they are fiercer than ever and usually go on to win the whole damn thing?
Yeah, well, this is exactly the sort of thing I was afraid of when I began this whole "be a healthier me/lose weight" thing a month ago. I knew (mostly from watching The Biggest Loser) that there would be a day when I would hit that wall and it would be hell to go through, but that it would change me at my deepest level.
Today was that day. Without giving you all the sordid details, I will say that something that I thought was one thing turned out to be completely something else. Just as the Biggest Loser contestant starts out thinking that they just aren't strong enough to do any more jogging on the treadmill and find that they really don't feel worthy of receiving love at all. The giving up on exercise is just a SYMPTOM of their deeper issue.
This is how it apparently worked for me too. This issue that came up originally SEEMED to be about something sort of trivial and ended up warping into an entirely different thing for me. And to have to face the Truth of myself and the choices I've made to make things worse, was really difficult. Frankly, I felt like shit most of the day. I cried a lot a lot a lot. But, in the end, my mind was clear, my heart was clear, my conscience was clear. And I was ready to answer the question (which I wasn't ready to answer two days ago): What am I going to do about my unhappiness? Am I going to do something to make it better or am I going to choose to make it worse? What is most important to me in the long run? What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?
I chose to make it better. And the more I thought on this, the more excited I got about mending the things in my life that are broken. And I turned a corner. And I feel that same empowerment that I've been talking about recently in relation to my workouts...but it has spread to every area of my life. This is where good health spreads from your diet and working out...to your emotional life, to your personal relationships, to your marriage, to your parenting. See, this journey I'm on is not just about getting skinny. I want to be the best "me" I can be. I made a few unfortunate bad choices along this way, some of them just yesterday...but, in the end, they've all served to draw me back to this place. HOME. And so I guess I didn't need to fear this wall so much after all. I was beating myself up earlier over the stupid things I've done and a dear friend said, "Why do you feel guilty? Self-discovery is never a bad thing."
Thanks for being there, all of you. I'm so thankful for you. I have the greatest friends.