Saturday, March 26, 2011
I have been on this fence, stuck between self pity and finding pleasure, enjoyment, satisfaction in me and the changes I have made. Both annoyed and pleased. Annoyed by what. . .
lack of social life
lack of friends
lack of self discipline to finish what I have been working so hard at
lack of finances
I know some of these I have control over and others I don't. Fact is I have never had many friends and biggest obstacle regarding social life is lack of transportation being I don't have a vehicle and use public transportation. The getting some place isn't the challenge, its returning home, lol.
The self discipline to finish this body change, is also something I have the most control over because it is a matter of pushing myself and I don't. I wimp out. If someone doubts me I can perform and get it done but otherwise, the number of reps locked in my head is what I work toward and nothing more. Psychological pre-set failure, lol.
Never been a very open person, always holding back and reserved. Some say I am stand off-ish which isn't true but I don't volunteer info either. I honestly think my biggest problem here is that I am so self conscious and so worried about what others think that I don't let myself relax and just be in the moment. I have good days were that is exactly how I am and I dance on the street corner waiting for the bus and then there are days like today where I'd barely do that depending on the song but I will be scanning for anyone coming near and then stopping.
Worrying about what others think and wanting to be accepted I think are to two biggest things holding me back and I don't know why I am giving this power to people I don't know and who have little to no impact on my life but I do. I think some of it has to do with all the bs family threw at my mom given her large stature and them repeatedly telling her us girls would be nothing but trailer trash. While this stuff mattered a lot one, it doesn't so much and I am just me but there are days the ugly creeps up and these last few days seem to be that time.
I don't thin it helps that while I am waiting a more traditional relationship with my twisted aspects I am alone and still seeing my ex. Relying on him for that fix is a pattern I really need to break, yet at the sametime there is no one I trust more to explore things with. Oh so very confused, again feeling like a little girl lost in a big persons world/body and having no idea how to deal/cope some times.
And there there is the other side of this fence:
Woman who just gets the job done, no hemming or hawing, no debating just do it. Oh were did she wander off to this time, I tell you keeping track of her gets hard sometimes. Always worth finding, need her to stay far more than she does, really need her as full time resident/controller that she is. I could do and get any and all of it done when kids were little because I had to, I still have to but am having a problem wanting to.. . . . . .
Ok, enough whining and self pity, I have no choice but to pull my shit together and get the job done. The job to be completed:
my self - need to finish this body change, I want the flat belly and trim waist and I know I can get it so a 30 day challenge for myself I will create
Bills/Finances - I will handle them and not back down until they are cleared
Business - I will finish this plan to the best of my ability - starting with a to do list and tackling something every day
Stay tuned, this woman is taking numbers and kicking ass!