Thursday, March 24, 2011
So I'm sitting here...with nothing to do at work...worrying myself sick. My brain won't stop and I can't think clearly. My heart is periodically racing. I'm literally sick to my stomach. Too many things are coming my way and I just can't deal. Today all of the "if"s have built up to the point I can't tolerate it anymore. Short version - my boss is taking me out of the office tomorrow to discuss "some changes" he's making. With the lack of recent business I know this can't be good. I wouldn't mind so much except my husband only has another week or two on his contract and he's back to the unemployment line. I'm trying to have faith that this is God's way of forcing my hand. I'm being told that I'm not meant to be an assistant for the rest of my life and I need to have the courage to step out on my own. And my husband isn't in the right field altogether. He needs to explore and find his passion. But how do we do that without a steady income? It's been bad enough with one of us unemployed...I'm panicking at the thought of 2.
And to top it off, my Mom just got back some discouraging blood test results. She has a lymphnode that's swollen and painful. Going for more tests this afternoon and has an appointment with the doctor to discuss next week. When she sent that text I almost threw up. The past few years have been one heartache after another and I just need a break. I need something good to focus on, instead of constantly being in fix-it mode. Everyone turns to me for the answers and right now I just don't have them.
So what's my plan of action? You know I ALWAYS have one...
Focus on the things I CAN change - weight loss being a biggie. I've been doing a great job avoiding emotional eating, and I've been doing all my workouts, but they could certainly use more effort. I need to find a way to focus my energy on my workouts. Tonight I vow to work my a** off (literally).
Catch up on my B2W challenge blogs. (Sorry Yoovie). I've been following the challenge but haven't wanted to blog because I was worried about opening the flood gates. Now that I've cleared my head I think it's safe to head back in.
Talk to my husband about my fears instead of clamming up. It isn't good for either of us.
Catch up with my SparkFriends I've been neglecting. Sorry guys...I was just stuck in my own head.
I'm hoping my meeting goes well tomorrow and I'm not panicking over nothing. I know it'll all work out, the scary part is just getting there. I'll keep you posted - thanks for letting me vent.
Update: I am not losing my job. Things are changing, but if I play my cards right I may end up in a better position. I'm looking forward to what's going on and hoping it all pans out. I'm still waiting on my Mom's test results but I'm feeling much more optimistic than last week.