Wednesday, March 23, 2011
This is my very first blog! As I try to think of something valuable to write about and where I am on my own journey, I keep coming back to this statement. “I no longer want to be invisible”. I have always been half of a whole. Born a twin with my awesome sister Michaela, we were usually identified in life as “The Twins”. This began my invisibility. No one did it on purpose, and I didn’t realize it was happening to me, but I see now where I started to maybe feel comfortable with not being accountable as an individual. Make any sense? I met my husband when I was 19 years old. He saw me, and loved me, and that was amazing but also a little scary. For the first time I wasn’t a twin first, I was Chelle. We were married 18 months later and last New Year’s Eve we celebrated 20 years together. I know that somewhere along the way, I lost Chelle. At least the Chelle I wanted to be. The strong, independent, smart Chelle that wasn’t afraid of any obstacle. I began to compensate with food and denial. Food gave me comfort, or so I lead myself to believe, for all the failings I felt about myself. It helped me to stay invisible. After all how many people look at a woman who eventually would be 100 pounds over weight and actually see anything behind the bulges and rolls?
A really amazing miracle happened about 10 years ago. I met our daughter Emily. On Mother’s Day 2001, she was placed in my arms. She was 18 months old, and honestly, I don’t know who was more scared. Then another amazing miracle happened four years later. I met and fell instantly spell bound for our second daughter Sydney. For the next four years or so, I would really try to get up the courage to change my habits. I wanted to be such a good example to my girls. I admit that I really only gave it a half hearted attempt. Fear of failure was convincing me to stay invisible.
Another really awesome miracle happened. My husband decided to change his life(JMERLAU). He walked and ran his way to health, and lost 100 pounds in 2010. I admit now that it was hard for me to watch at first. He really made it look so easy! I was jealous of his success and afraid that it would never happen for me. He encouraged me to take time to work out in the mornings, and he was much more interested in eating healthier. All of this helped me to lose 50 pounds last year! My attitude about life and who I am is coming from such a good place now. I have confidence and joy that I haven’t felt in a very long time and I am sharing it with my family. I still have about 50 pounds to go, but I am no longer burdened with the fear of failure! This is going to happen and I am going to be responsible for it! Guess what?? I AM NO LONGER INVISIBLE!!!!