Wednesday, March 23, 2011
This week has been hard, emotionally that is. Still going through this separation with my husband and I feel horrible. Some days are good while others are not. All we do is talk about the separation and why it's taking place, initially I felt scared. I thought marriage was for life??? I guess I was naive, I forgot that fairy tales are for the movies.
By the end of July I guess I will be a single woman/mom, now I feel like a statistic. I've been trying to rationalize with myself by saying "it'll be ok, i'm strong, maybe this is part of God's plan, I was not happy anyway" but I love my husband. This week I fought against feelings to over eat, or just eat for the sake of making myself feel better for that moment. I've been doing a lot of jogging, running helps. It forces me to build mental strength, it's all self talk. After the one mile mark my body is saying "ok, your good, go ahead, you can stop now" But my mind is saying " ummmm, I don't think so, we've got a few more things to work out so keep running, if you can do this you can do anything....now let's keep moving."
Today I wore the second pair of pants from my collection of clothes that I bought last year and could not fit. They still are snug but not tight, and I could breathe, amazing accomplishment. I'm going to keep moving, I'm going to keep shaving away at these inches because I'm underneath these lbs of fat and I can't wait to spread my wings and fly...a beautiful butterfly in the making "Let love set you free to flap your pretty wings around" -Maxwell, Pretty Wings.
John Mayer has this song about not needing to understand everything. I think I've crossed that line where I no longer need to know why, or how. I'm searching for peace and trusting that it's in the making. I'm releasing all of my negative energy.
I am going confidently in the direction of my dreams and living the life I've always imagined. I'm a runner, I'm a lover, I'm a fashionista, I'm a professional, I'm an educator, I'm a person that does not believe in giving up.