Sunday, March 20, 2011
I stumbled on a vlog the other day and feel like I have really stumbled on a huge part of the puzzle that makes up my relationship with food.
In this vlog, she(ANEPANELIPTI) talks about a lot of the problems she has with emotional eating etc. and mentions making meaningful social connections. As soon as I heard that it was like that lightbulb moment. The "AHA!" moment that Oprah talks about. I cannot tell you how many times I have went to parties, BBQ's, get togethers, etc and wanted to stuff my face the whole time without knowing why. Well obviously I knew I wasn't lonely bc I was with a bunch of people, right? Or went out to eat with my family and all I could think about was the next slice of pizza or the dessert buffet. I don't even know how to explain how amazing this thought is. I didn't even have to think about it-- as soon as she said it, it just all clicked together. I just knew.
So ever since then I have been thinking about it and I am surprised that I have used this thought in more than just social situations. I have been using it when my kids get home- I make eye contact when I talk to them, go out of my way to squeeze their shourlder, or give them a hug. I used it when I went out to eat with them-- had a real conversation where I was really present. Even with the cashier, I made eye contact and asked them about their day (not in a creepy way, just friendly!) I have realized more and more how UN- present I am in many of my day to day activities. I barely notice stuff. I am changing that in ways that one would not think were important. I LOOK at what I am doing. I notice what I look at. Could I have been in a weird trance for half of my life? I don't know, but I have been reminding myself how I can enjoy the little things.
I like the way my clean laundry smells when I take it out of the dryer. I enjoy seeing my kitchen clean and sparkling. I love how the living room carpet has lines on it from being freshly vacuumed. My baby smells delish after he gets his bath and his fat little cheek snuggled up on my chest while he is sleeping is so, so beautiful. I enjoy the feeling of leaving my freshly cleaned house and taking the kids to the park to walk with my friends. (Can you guess I am a mom/housewife) This is my life- for the first time I am realizing that I enjoy it. I guess this goes along with the saying "wake up and smell the roses" I am astonished at how much I have missed b/c I have not been "present" and how much I have eaten over. Makes me sad but happy at the same time. I still have so much to enjoy and look forward to. This weekend when we spent time with friends, I took the time to actually enjoy it- made more eye contact, I listened more, I found connections and reminded myself to be PRESENT. I am thrilled that I have discovered this. I don't know if this is exactly what it meant to the author, but this is what I got out of it and it has made a huge difference in my day to day life. And my eating has been very calm the last week. I didn't have to fight with myself. I found fulfillment in other areas. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! This is what has been missing for so long. I had this before when I was around the people that I knew and loved. Yet when we moved 1000 miles away I had to make new friends and had a "new" family that I wasn't happy with. (my in-laws) and I didn't know how to cope or respond. Good grief that was 5 years ago!!! And since then I had gone from a size 12 to a size 20/22. (not currently a 20 thanks goodness, but I was)OUCH. So thank you for helping me and opening my eyes! And to God for leading me to this. :):)
Im going to talk about goals here. I have been in a slump for the past few weeks. Im still here, not letting go, but I guess I just wasn't feeling bad enough to really want to change. So I had been working out 2-3 times a week, and eating good some days and some days not, but not trying much. Well a week or so ago, something just snapped- I want to lose again. I don't want to maintain anymore. I want to get into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Then I want to get into the jeans that I was wearing 5 years ago and I really want to see what I look like as a size 10, I would love to know what I look like at 180 lbs, or 160. I want to get there. And get there I will, slowly but surely. I want to enjoy the ride down. lol
I bought a Bodybugg (YAY ME!!!!) which I am loving. Ive only had it for a few days now and it has been a real eye opener. First of all, cleaning, chasing kids and parking farther away from the grocery store really does make a difference. And 2nd of all, I NEED my workouts if I am going to lose. hehe It really encourages me to move MUCH more.
I am going to start INSANITY tomorrow with a friend. We both want to lose 50 lbs-- I need to lose more than that but its a good start. lol So we are going to do a challenge of the full 60 days of INSANITY. Im excited to start but also SCARED! That workout is TOUGH and I know it will whup my A@@. but I WANT to push myself and having her to be accountable to will definitely help. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by my birthday-- I have 19 weeks, so its an ambitious goal. I don't want to waver. I must keep my consistency and momentum going, I know I will do this!!!!!