Saturday, March 19, 2011
I just read a blog about being afraid to lose weight. The author was trying to assess why she had lingering doubts about whether she'll lose the weight and the "what now?" that comes with reaching the goal weight. So, while we're being honest, I can say (because I have been avoiding it for months now), that I am afraid to lose weight, too. I think that is why the scale is not at all moving for me. There is, for me, some comfort in being overweight. This sounds silly, but for the first time in my life, I can say what is on my mind and not shock anyone. I can be tough. It is like the weight is my armor, deflecting attacks from others and protecting me as I go out into the fray. I have not reconciled that I can be a strong, independent woman AND wear a size 6 or that being thin equals being a doormat (like I very much was back in the day).
Frustrating to me though, is that I really don't feel like myself when I spout off a dissenting opinion about something, or when I speak my mind at someone else's expense. I also physically feel terrible: my back and neck hurt, I always have a headache, and I can't sit on the floor without hurting my hips. I hate shopping and buying new clothes makes me want to cry. I had to buy a formal gown for a charity event that I was chairing earlier this month, and I had a panic attack in the dressing room because I just could not stand what I was seeing. You would think these would be enough motivation for diligently counting calories and obessively running up and down my street. I just don't understand why it isn't.
I am irritated with myself for not getting started. I am doubly irritated with myself for being more comfortable here than where I was. I guess I still need a swift kick in the rear to get me going, I just can't seem to identify where it is going to come from, because I sure seem to have a hard time generating it for myself...