Thursday, March 17, 2011
For me, and other people, learning to love your body, no matter the shape or size, is difficult. I did things a little backwards though. At my heaviest, I felt beautiful. I could look in the mirror, and not be repulsed by what I saw. I knew I wasnít healthy, and I was severely overweight, but I could still see beauty in myself. Then, I hit my wall and started my journey to where Iím at now. That included watching what I ate (eat), working out, and learning what I needed to do to achieve my longer-long term goal, how to do this the healthiest way, and also what Iím putting into my body and what Iíve done to my body. That last bit, the ďwhat Iíve done to my bodyĒÖTHATíS the sticking point. Iíve learned how much Iíve abused my body by allowing my drug of choice, food, to rule my life.
For months, every time Iíve looked in the mirror, I have felt disgust and not love. I look at my sagging skin that had been stretched out, and think ďdear Lord, Iím going to have to have surgery to truly tighten everything.Ē I put on make-up, doesnít help. I do my hair, doesnít help. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to see myself as beautiful.
Things started to spiral down, and the darker my mood got, the more I hated my body. And I got angry. People have always pushed me to lose weight; to get healthy. NO one told me that I would have to re-learn how to see myself. That I would have to deal with some severe body image issues. I might have been fat, but by God I loved my body and who I was!
Then, I started to take control of my life again. I started to work out again, which helped with getting back on track, losing more weight, and feeling better/ happier. I started to watch what I was eating again. Measuring, and counting, and I joined Sparkpeople. And things started to turn around. I was able to connect with people who understood weight loss, what you go through, and healthy guides to get me back on track.
And yesterday, it happened. I was getting ready, and when I put my glasses on I looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt beautiful. And that feeling has carried over. I may not always love my body, but I feel beautiful again, and for that, I am very thankful