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    ERINBEAR1876   27,451
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Thank you, and an explanation....


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thank you so much for the comments on my Vlog...it was nerve wracking to do it since I feel so....self-aware when talking to a webcam like that.

There are a few reasons I did that Vlog, and the main reason is because I want to be NOT nervous doing it when I do one for my Sparkversary, which is coming up in less than a month (eek!). I want to fine tune how I am talking (reeling back on the Ummmms, actually looking AT the camera so it looks like I am talking to YOU rather than looking down all the time, etc).

Also, I had a lot on my mind, and that is why I decided my Vlog should be about my personal trainer experience, since it was good, and funny, and something lighthearted to talk about.

Because yesterday? The emotional meeting I talked about in my previous blog? Bit me in the a$$. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't.

First, I got so nervous beforehand that I actually ate most of the donut holes I was bringing to the meeting. That was just pathetic. That may sound harsh, but man, I was angry at myself for doing that.

I didn't expect to see SO MANY of my friends there that I went through treatment with. There were 8 of them there. Plus the social workers whom I love dearly (Dawn and Lisa) and the peer mentor I adore, Elliott.

I was bombarded when I walked in the door, and it stayed that way for the next 3 hours expect for when the naturopath doctor did his presentation.

I had SO many compliments, and I now finally know to just say thank you, but I haven't mastered the proud look on my face or the happy look. I know how I looked. I looked embarrassed. I kept looking down, and my face kept getting flushed.

And then Elliott asked me how I did it. I said it helped that I was doing THAT (when I said THAT, I pointed to his Fargo Marathon shirt...he is a marathoner). He looked shocked, and then asked if I was running this year. I said I was, and he asked if I was running charity for the Lutheran Social Services (the place where I went to treatment and this alumni night is located at). I said I didn't know about that. So, he quickly said that it wouldn't cost anything and he would give me a paper to fill out. I filled it out, only to get to the bottom saying I had to generate a minimum of $250 in donations.

What?

Oh, creepers jeepers. That is saying it mildly. I am so happy to be running for them, but my charity getting skills reek. I am doing a Spin for Kids event and the minimum donation is $75, and honestly? I am basically going to be paying $75 because I hate asking people for money.

But $250? I will have to. I can't afford that. Like I mentioned in the Vlog, the roof is going to cost us (and yes, it IS the price thereabouts of those Louboutin heels in my OTHER blog...sadly).

I know I can do it, and I am proud to do it, really I am, but it is definitely going to create more stress on me. Not really only the donations, but also the fact that now I am promising to run the 5K and the full marathon (you had to mark what you were running). I will be running in their shirt, for crying out loud.

And that, plus the comments, led to me first during the heading into the first drive-thru on the way out of Fargo that I could find. Which was Wendy's. I had no plan on what I was going to order, just that I wanted a burger and fries. The first one I saw on the menu was the Baconator. emoticon emoticon emoticon I got the DOUBLE Baconator, because I didn't feel the single would be enough. And guess what? I got the DIET coke to go with it. Yes, the ironic Diet Coke.

I ate this while on the interstate back home, and it was SO salty and greasy and honestly just plain nasty. But it wasn't about the food. If it was about the food, why did I have tears running down my face?

It was because I didn't feel deserving. Those comments seemed meant for someone else, not me. Even though I know now what to say, I still don't know how to feel. I just can't seem to bust through and feel just happy and proud of myself. Self-depricating Erin. It's like I'll be looked at as selfish, vain, too proud, full of herself, etc. if I take those compliments as they are meant.

But, today was a new day. And I promised myself that when I started this expensive personal training, that I would make it worth it. And I did great today. I even bought a small little ice cream cup with half the fat and 170 calories as a "treat" for dessert, when on a day like yesterday I would have gotten DQ. Large Cone.

And today I had a couple of comments at our work meeting. Basically to the effect of what had I been doing to lose this weight, I looked so healthy, and then my favorite, which was "DON'T LOSE MORE WEIGHT!!!"

There were brownies, cheesecake bites, and cupcakes at the meeting. What did I have? Pita chips with hummus and grapes. Ohhhh yeahhhh...

I ain't gonna bring me down. And no one else will either.

Tomorrow's going to be another great day!!! Even if I did get guilted into baking an apple pie tomorrow evening for a bake sale at my church ;o}
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
THEMRSH 3/17/2011 3:04PM

    ROCK ON GIRL! Love love your blog! You are amazing and you so deserve this and more. Don't you sweat that burger...hehehe, cause you will sweat it when you meet up with your trainer next time.

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MELSY82 3/17/2011 10:46AM

    I echo all others who responded to you. Do not feel that you are not deserving, and understand that your tears may not be a negative. You are letting yourself FEEL. That in itself is an insanely positive step. You are already on the path. You've got this. We all fall backwards at times. You know how to get back up.

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NDRIVER69 3/17/2011 9:18AM

    Just post your link here.... I am quite sure you have 25 friends here that have no problem donating TEN DOLLARS for all your hard work+training!!! It takes a village to help Erin Marathon!! :) GL Chicka!! have a great weekend in MPLS!

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PARTICLEGIRL22 3/17/2011 8:28AM

    I didn't get to watch your vlog because I don't have sound at work, but I am sorry you had an emotional day. As an emotional eater I understand your food choices. It's just one day and you know it won't ruin all your hard work!

I hear you on raising money. I feel terrible but I decided NOT to do Team in Training for my half because I knew I could never ask for money!!

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DUSTYGIRL25 3/17/2011 3:59AM

    I think I would have been very surprised if I could have gotten through all that without feeling like I needed to reward myself with food. Actually you probably were hungry after the meeting and only snacking while you were there. As we all say, each day is a new day and a new chance to start with a new clean slate. Put the past behind and move forward. Your doing awesome!
emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 3/16/2011 11:32PM

    You are so doing the right things by being aware of your triggers and dealing with them. Great job!

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LAURIE-RN 3/16/2011 11:10PM

    Sounds like you had a very emotional night. I'm sorry that hit you so hard. I'm really proud of you for getting back up and starting your day fresh instead of sliding backwards into the "I'm a failure, I might as well quit" track that many do.

You ARE deserving of every compliment you have and will receive. You have worked HARD to get this far. You are CAPABLE of running whatever race you choose and gathering the pledges to do so. It is for a cause that is important to you and others. You are well on your way to success - your healthy choices at the meeting today are a testament to that.

You CAN do it!

Laurie emoticon emoticon

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