Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I am not looking for sympathy, nor trying to seek attention, but I feel I must write this as a diary to possibly help me look back maybe to help answer some of my own problems.
Please don't think that by not being accepted for "The Biggest Loser" that this is the reason.
In some ways, it was a relief not to be accepted as at the moment I don't want to be seen in public too much and fear that I'm becoming Agoraphobic.
I can't sleep at night and am now on 20mg of Temazepam. I am also on anti depressants now, and my problems just seem to be getting larger and larger all of the time.
I still don't know of the outcome of what I spoke about here 10 days or so back and it looks like this will continue for a few months more.
I was taken into Hospital on Monday afternoon by Ambulance during a visit to the Doctor after complaining of repeated chest pain and the tests proved that nothing was untoward regarding my 2 heart conditions and therefore was put down to stress and anxiety.
I was told that if I have any pain what so ever, I am to call the ambulance service, but the problem is that I suffer these pains quite frequently of late and will be seen as wasting the hospitals time.
I am so scared and afraid at the moment and don't know how to cope, and also fear that I am grinding Clare down with all of what's happening, as she is the only one who knows my whole story.
Please don't be alarmed, I haven't committed murder or anything of that order, but it is something that has arisen from my illness and a possible mental issue that has caused questions to be asked and it's making me feel ill.
I'm sorry to have put this down as to how I feel, but I am at the moment feeling pretty desperate, and I just needed to log my feelings as I've mentioned for future self analysis.
As I have said, I am not looking for sympathy, I just needed to write how I feel.