Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday mornings are my weigh in day. I was oddly excited to weigh in for once. It was especially odd considering that my week, while good in some ways, was definitely not the best either. I hung up my new goals/reward visual motivator I made, but I didnít push myself enough. I didnít eat out during the week, but I did over the weekend before. I did go to the gym, but only one day. I did walk over 3 miles Saturday, but I also indulged in green beer and a not so good for me linner (lunch/dinner). Lastly, it was my TOM, and it was occurring on my weigh in day. Iíve gained up to 5lbs before from it. So Iím not sure why I was so anxious to see the resultsÖ
Yup, nothing changed from last week. The body is strange and mysterious, thatís for sure. But, I was in full swing of TOM, so I wasnít very upset because I figured it would change when it was done. Which is was this morning, so I checkedÖ
Actually, it was a smidge under 246, but I use an ancient dial scale (non-digital, the other kind), so I donít do the decimals. Iíve thought about buying a digital scale, however I used my friendís digital scale once, and it said I weighed 5lbs more. Iím scared to use any scale but my own now, lol. Anyways, so I wrote down this loss, and I entered it on Spark, but in the back of my head it doesnít count until next Sunday.
In hindsight, I really do know why I was anxious Sunday morning. 245lbs will mean I lost 25lbs. And 243lbs is my first goal, which will mean I lost 10% of my initial weight. So even though I was glad I still lost a pound this week, I was a little disappointed with myself. I want to lose 2lbs a week. And Iím so close to some major mile stones. I know I didnít try as hard as I should have.
My motivation and self esteem have been pretty low lately; I know thatís affecting me. It doesnít help that I havenít touched on emotional eating lately or emotions in general. Iíve gotten better at binging, but I still do it sometimes, and more so itís been grazing until I feel ďfullĒ. Iíve been struggling with being jealous of others, feeling under-valued and under-appreciated, and just that my life isnít half of what it could be. The sad part is I know feeling this way is completely a waste of time and energy, I can fix a lot of it, and the rest is out of my control. But I am so fín over sensitive, Iíll get myself off the ground and be good for awhile, then I let something get to me and down I go again. It really is sickening sometimes. I wish I could find that great confidence in myself, that kind that just shines through. I see it sometimes, itís small and quiet, but I can see it. Part of me knows my true potential, and that Iím not living up to it. I just need to find a way to work it out, make it stronger. Talk about strength training.