Saturday, March 12, 2011

I think my life has been built around not looking in mirrors, shop windows, anything that shows my reflection. I have lived this way for years. I noticed that my sister's house has these really big mirrors on the walls. I always felt a love-hate relationship with them - loved the light they brought in, but hated seeing myself over and over. My personal trainer told me my BMI is 40. 40?!? I'm not really surprised, as I had know this for a while... but still. 40? Morbidly obese? That's what I am? Sad. Sad that my denial let me continue eating and not taking care of my body, mind, health.

So coming out of the denial is leading me into sadness and accepting the fact that I have abused my body for decades. I have had quite my share of trauma in my 45 years, and clearly eating and turning a blind eye to weight gain has been my mode of coping. Slowly, I am coming out of the hole to find new ways to handle stress - like yoga. And salad. And protein shakes. And sleep.

The trainer said 9 months to a year I should be getting my BMI down to normal-ish IF I worked hard. I think that is the scary part. But one day at a time, I will do my best.
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