Thursday, March 10, 2011
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you... ~Psalm 42:5-6a NLT
i have faith that His plan for me is best but my heart still hurts. i feel like a failure. everyone keeps saying "it will happen when it's supposed to" but last night i felt like maybe it's not supposed too. today i want to NOT want a baby so i will feel better... i feel like i'm putting myself on hold to prepare for something that isn't happening. i need a new dream; one that i can actually make happen.
i go back and forth all the time, which i hear is healthy so i don't let it bother me to the fullest. are we ready, aren't we ready, is there ever a ready? it's a HUGE change. Life as I know it will cease to exist. sometimes that sounds good, sometimes too scary.
in my head i'm picking out a minivan and where the crib will go. in reality, i suppose that's a waste. besides, we'd have 9 months to figure all that out.
there are a ton of things we won't be able to do (easily) once we have a baby. things that seem like a fantasy, things that may never happen cause family is important. what happens if we run out of time? what happens if we are too selfish living life to make a family? what if living life is what we are supposed to do and not worry about having a family? that seems irresponsible. then again, so does trying to have a family without insurance.
it seems there is no right answer.
this is where i'm supposed to lean into God and His love. I'm supposed to know that his plan is perfect.... then why is my body SCREAMING to know what the heck is going on???? i do know that God loves me and wants the best for me and can see the whole picture where i can see only what's right in front of me....
i feel like i'd be fine either way. our own kids, or not.... if i just knew. why does my heart long for what i don't have? why can't i be content with what i do have? don't most little girls dream of having a baby of their own? maybe this is just not what God has planned for me.
i've been blessed, in ways, that my husband has two girls. it's not like i don't have a family. it's just not what i envisioned for my life. but then again, nothing in my life is what i envisioned...
Lord, God, PLEASE give my heart peace today. I'm sitting here in tears. Why would I be crying if my heart doesn't truly desire this? i'm trying to convince myself that i don't need a baby to be happy. i'm fighting with my own soul. Take this sorrow from me Lord, and replace it with joy. i hate this feeling. bless me with a feeling of content with this situation. let me find joy in other things. let me see the beauty and gifts that you have already blessed me with. please don't let me yearn for something i have no control over. it's too much to bear...
...and as i type, i see that i'm not depending on YOU for my hearts desires. i'm looking to myself. when will i learn Lord? when will i get this life "right?" is there a "right?" must i forever look to you daily? hourly?
the answer is yes.
1 Chronicles 22:11-12 & 19 ...may the Lord be with you and give you success as you follow his directions in building the Temple of the Lord your God. And may the Lord give you wisdom and understanding, that you may obey the Law of the Lord your God... Now seek the Lord your God with all your heart and soul...
Matthew 6:33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Matthew 6:21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
my heart says, "don't give up." the Lord says, "Trust me."
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! ~ Psalm 43:5