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I worked out in a tank top yesterday

Thursday, March 10, 2011

My first workout tank top. I impulse-bought it on clearance around New Year’s. I’ve only ever worn tee shirts while exercising. [Not even new cute ones—the newest, biggest-sized ones were purchased about 4 years ago, the smaller ones like 7 years ago, and I even have one that I’ve owned since I was 12. Seriously.] New, cute workout clothes = Motivation. Sleeveless = Big Motivation. The fact that the tank top was too tight when I bought it and really displayed my back fat = Biggest Motivation/Why I didn’t wear it until last night.

I’ve tried on this tank top every single week since I bought it. I’ve been holding off wearing it until my back fat disappeared and my bat wings were less unsightly. Plenty of heavier people at my gym wear tank tops--people that even my distorted body image can see are larger than me--but I was too self-conscious and embarrassed. Then yesterday, I decided “yeah, I still have back fat (less, though!) and my arms are gi-freakin-normous; but I want to wear that tank top NOW, and d@mmit, I’m going to.”

I wore the tank for awhile at home before I left for the gym and felt ok. Once I got the gym, though, I felt SO nekkid. Super exposed, like I forgot to put on my pants before leaving the house or something. I was incredibly aware while I was exercising of how fat my arms were. Aware that of the pesky rolls right below the back of the shelf bra. Aware of the fact that this shirt totally displayed my form and wouldn’t allow me to hide out in it during Zumba like I can in my 1-or-2-sizes-too-big tees. But you know what? I got a compliment on how good I looked.

My dad assured me that this is my head messing with me. I can’t help wondering if people are just trying to be nice by complimenting me. Like I don’t actually look ~objectively~ good but I look so much ~better~ than I used to that they think I deserve a compliment for that or something. Because I totally know that my body image is still distorted, but I really thought it was improving and that I was seeing myself clearer than I used to. Is it possible that my self-perception is still unfathomably screwed up?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    People would not compliment you if they didn't mean it. If they complimented it is because they noticed something different. Otherwise, we just wouldn't say anything. So I bet you did look good! And I know you will just keep on looking better!
    2569 days ago
    Hey, that took a lot of moxie to wear that thing in public. I don't wear my tanks in public. I know that its there. I work out in my room, in private I wear them cause I get so hot during my workouts. I know I look better than I did 75 pounds ago but I'm still not comfortable. When you figure out how to fix your self perception, let me know, I would like mine to get fixed too.
    2569 days ago
    2569 days ago
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