Thursday, March 10, 2011
My first workout tank top. I impulse-bought it on clearance around New Yearís. Iíve only ever worn tee shirts while exercising. [Not even new cute onesóthe newest, biggest-sized ones were purchased about 4 years ago, the smaller ones like 7 years ago, and I even have one that Iíve owned since I was 12. Seriously.] New, cute workout clothes = Motivation. Sleeveless = Big Motivation. The fact that the tank top was too tight when I bought it and really displayed my back fat = Biggest Motivation/Why I didnít wear it until last night.
Iíve tried on this tank top every single week since I bought it. Iíve been holding off wearing it until my back fat disappeared and my bat wings were less unsightly. Plenty of heavier people at my gym wear tank tops--people that even my distorted body image can see are larger than me--but I was too self-conscious and embarrassed. Then yesterday, I decided ďyeah, I still have back fat (less, though!) and my arms are gi-freakin-normous; but I want to wear that tank top NOW, and d@mmit, Iím going to.Ē
I wore the tank for awhile at home before I left for the gym and felt ok. Once I got the gym, though, I felt SO nekkid. Super exposed, like I forgot to put on my pants before leaving the house or something. I was incredibly aware while I was exercising of how fat my arms were. Aware that of the pesky rolls right below the back of the shelf bra. Aware of the fact that this shirt totally displayed my form and wouldnít allow me to hide out in it during Zumba like I can in my 1-or-2-sizes-too-big tees. But you know what? I got a compliment on how good I looked.
My dad assured me that this is my head messing with me. I canít help wondering if people are just trying to be nice by complimenting me. Like I donít actually look ~objectively~ good but I look so much ~better~ than I used to that they think I deserve a compliment for that or something. Because I totally know that my body image is still distorted, but I really thought it was improving and that I was seeing myself clearer than I used to. Is it possible that my self-perception is still unfathomably screwed up?