Wednesday, March 09, 2011
So last night I went to bootcamp...yeah yeah yay me for going (sarcasm inserted here). First of all, I'm NEVER taking a vitamin boosty pre-workout thing AGAIN! I felt my heart going faster, sweating like nuts, and could barely get through the workout and felt a little nausea. The last time I felt like that, I took the same stuff. So maybe it's not me being a weakling, maybe it's that supplement stuff.
Last night, I almost cried during bootcamp, and I did cry on my way home. I didn't run around the block with everyone, I didn't do the squat touches, and I only did 1/2 of the Roman Chair rotations. I used a 2lb ball instead of the 6-12lb ones everyone was using for Windmills. I just held the pushup position as everyone else had their pushup positions with their feet on the big ball. My back was hurting slighty since saturday so the Purveyor of Pain told me no more kettlebell swings for a while.
Yup...all this just fed the feeling that I'm less than. Fed the fear that I'm just "the fat girl", fed the insecurity, fed the low self-esteem, fed the defeated feeling. I did not feel strong. I did not feel confident. I was sad.
This one girl said to me in the beginning that she always sees me there, how consistent I am and how she just drops in from time to time. When I was not doing what everyone else was, the Purveyor asks me what he would say..and I said "I'm here" and he was like "yup!" While that girl gave me a compliment that I am consistent....I just felt more like a spotlight was on me, like 'yeah i'm here but look at how i'm not as stong as these other people'
I had left with the feeling that I need some kind of crazy crash diet to get pounds off so that my body doesn't have to do as much work to get these exercises done. I will not crash diet, won't happen, I'm not that crazy.
I know this is just a rough patch...I say that b/c I don't want this feeling to keep continuing. I have a new baseline though, and while mentally I'm wanting to get to that next level (like right NOW) I guess my body is not quite catching up yet.