Good Night's Rest works for me

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Managed to squeeze a walk in between the rain tapering off and before evening fell. Walked a mile. Weird how hard it is! Here I was so used to walking 2.5 miles daily. I have been sick so long, pretty much since before Christmas. My body is just weak, and draggy. So I went to bed at 8:30 and slept so well!!!
Made cookies yesterday, ate 4!!! Counted each at 100 cal, and I have no idea how accurate that is. I really dislike any time that I don't eat in a controlled manner. It's one thing to sit down with 1 cookie with 1 cup of milk and it's another thing to cram stuff in my mouth like a crazed woman. I hate feeling out of control when it comes to food, hate giving the food the power over me. I have so many people taking lunch every day, I refuse to put store bought junk in their lunches. Cookies may not be what some would say healthy, but they're made by me, with love, and I feel better about that.
I like how even after I ate those cookies, I didn't throw the whole day away, giving myself an excuse to eat like a pig. I just added them to my day, and went on.
Sometimes it's hard figuring out calories for foods I make. Like in stromboli. I use a packaged mix, adding my own cheese and pepperoni, but then there's the sauce too. I generally add up all the calories and divide by 8 but still--!! I just ate 1/2 of a serving, and it was enough. I'm not going to be super hard on myself, because I just got back into actually logging my calories and exercise. I'm not going to be perfect from the get go. The more I do this, the better I'll get.
I just cannot let myself gain weight, be what I was before. Huge. Busting out of all my incredibly large, stretched out clothing. Never able to take the stairs without a lot of trouble. Getting out of breath and having to fan myself big time from going up/down those said stairs. Basically any exertion causing me to get out of breath. Being hot all the time, and never wearing a coat, even in the coldest of winters because 1. I'm always hot and 2. I have no coat to fit me.
This how blogging helps, I believe, keeping the dream alive. Keeping the focus on the day-to-day counting calories and exercising.
See, I lost 92 blogging, counting calories and exercising. And I gained back 30-40 pounds (not sure how much, just estimating) by NOT doing any of that. No no, I didn't even maintain. I didn't eat enough food to keep me at the same weight, I ate MORE. So here I am, my new clothes are starting to be tight on me, rings tight, and I am horrified, simply horrified. And the slide started with me not blogging, because I was actually getting followers, and I was embarrassed at all my slipups. Ashamed to admit before the world that their perfect weight loss example wasn't all she was cracked up to be. I tried to take it in stride, chalking it up to another day and moving on, but secretly, in my heart, I hated myself. Why Why Why can't I be consistent? Perfect in my food? I was for several months, actually, until a day 5 months in when I started having this intense craving for liquid chocolate. And instead of just having it and moving on I let it control me for a week, no, I never had the liquid chocolate, but just the thought that this could happen, that I was still under the power of food, destroyed everything. There was a slow erosion beginning on my self confidence. Every time I weighed and I had lost weight, I was surprised. I didn't deserve to lose weight. And that continued on down the path to where I am now, struggling to get back on plan. I have never actually 'given up', stopping all weight loss efforts. But I wasn't consistent, and recorded nothing.
Well. Now I record everything I put in my mouth. I log my exercise. And I blog. I am not going to blog on my official blog anymore. I felt such pressure, and why I have no idea. Here my blog will pass my relatively unnoticed, being read by at most a few people. There are just so many blogs here!!!
I can keep myself on track and not feel obligated to my adoring public. Har.
So today I look at those cookies with distaste in my heart. But I will have something chocolate with lunch, just probably not a cookie. Probably a square of Ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate. Yummmm. Man that hits the spot.
Okay I forgive myself for eating stupid cookies yesterday. Actually I forgive myself for eating 3 of them and tasting the dough. One was what I allotted for myself so I'm not sorry for that one. I added them all to my day, who am I trying to deceive with not logging everything? Myself? Stupid.
Making wise choices today. And I will never give up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Zaa, hang in there! Nobody is perfect so don't be so hard on yourself. Here at Spark we're all in the same boat. I slipped this past year to and 10 or so pounds crept back on when I was getting close to my goal! It so hard not to beat myself up for that but I am logging my food and exercising and working to turn things back around. I need to start blogging again too because you are right, it really helps.

    BTW, did you know that you can enter your homemade recipes into Spark recipes and it will figure out the calorie count for you? Good luck with everything!
    2572 days ago
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