Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Managed to squeeze a walk in between the rain tapering off and before evening fell. Walked a mile. Weird how hard it is! Here I was so used to walking 2.5 miles daily. I have been sick so long, pretty much since before Christmas. My body is just weak, and draggy. So I went to bed at 8:30 and slept so well!!!
Made cookies yesterday, ate 4!!! Counted each at 100 cal, and I have no idea how accurate that is. I really dislike any time that I don't eat in a controlled manner. It's one thing to sit down with 1 cookie with 1 cup of milk and it's another thing to cram stuff in my mouth like a crazed woman. I hate feeling out of control when it comes to food, hate giving the food the power over me. I have so many people taking lunch every day, I refuse to put store bought junk in their lunches. Cookies may not be what some would say healthy, but they're made by me, with love, and I feel better about that.
I like how even after I ate those cookies, I didn't throw the whole day away, giving myself an excuse to eat like a pig. I just added them to my day, and went on.
Sometimes it's hard figuring out calories for foods I make. Like in stromboli. I use a packaged mix, adding my own cheese and pepperoni, but then there's the sauce too. I generally add up all the calories and divide by 8 but still--!! I just ate 1/2 of a serving, and it was enough. I'm not going to be super hard on myself, because I just got back into actually logging my calories and exercise. I'm not going to be perfect from the get go. The more I do this, the better I'll get.
I just cannot let myself gain weight, be what I was before. Huge. Busting out of all my incredibly large, stretched out clothing. Never able to take the stairs without a lot of trouble. Getting out of breath and having to fan myself big time from going up/down those said stairs. Basically any exertion causing me to get out of breath. Being hot all the time, and never wearing a coat, even in the coldest of winters because 1. I'm always hot and 2. I have no coat to fit me.
This how blogging helps, I believe, keeping the dream alive. Keeping the focus on the day-to-day counting calories and exercising.
See, I lost 92 blogging, counting calories and exercising. And I gained back 30-40 pounds (not sure how much, just estimating) by NOT doing any of that. No no, I didn't even maintain. I didn't eat enough food to keep me at the same weight, I ate MORE. So here I am, my new clothes are starting to be tight on me, rings tight, and I am horrified, simply horrified. And the slide started with me not blogging, because I was actually getting followers, and I was embarrassed at all my slipups. Ashamed to admit before the world that their perfect weight loss example wasn't all she was cracked up to be. I tried to take it in stride, chalking it up to another day and moving on, but secretly, in my heart, I hated myself. Why Why Why can't I be consistent? Perfect in my food? I was for several months, actually, until a day 5 months in when I started having this intense craving for liquid chocolate. And instead of just having it and moving on I let it control me for a week, no, I never had the liquid chocolate, but just the thought that this could happen, that I was still under the power of food, destroyed everything. There was a slow erosion beginning on my self confidence. Every time I weighed and I had lost weight, I was surprised. I didn't deserve to lose weight. And that continued on down the path to where I am now, struggling to get back on plan. I have never actually 'given up', stopping all weight loss efforts. But I wasn't consistent, and recorded nothing.
Well. Now I record everything I put in my mouth. I log my exercise. And I blog. I am not going to blog on my official blog anymore. I felt such pressure, and why I have no idea. Here my blog will pass my relatively unnoticed, being read by at most a few people. There are just so many blogs here!!!
I can keep myself on track and not feel obligated to my adoring public. Har.
So today I look at those cookies with distaste in my heart. But I will have something chocolate with lunch, just probably not a cookie. Probably a square of Ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate. Yummmm. Man that hits the spot.
Okay I forgive myself for eating stupid cookies yesterday. Actually I forgive myself for eating 3 of them and tasting the dough. One was what I allotted for myself so I'm not sorry for that one. I added them all to my day, who am I trying to deceive with not logging everything? Myself? Stupid.
Making wise choices today. And I will never give up.