Day 365: Control/Last Entry Before My One-Year Anniversary
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Soooo this marks 365 days that I have been on SparkPeople! Woohoo. You can expect me to post my one-year in picture blog very soon. I was thinking of doing something a little bit fun that would encourage me to blog! My first entry on SparkPeople was March 10 of last year. I think it would be fun to reflect on every entry on the same day this year as I wrote it last year. It allows me to reflect on the progress I have made while encouraging me to be more self-aware. Plus, I'll always have something to blog about because I wrote close to every day :).
I decided to write my last blog on something that has had a huge impact on my whole entire life: control. As I have talked about in previous entries, my dad was very controlling of my mother. I picked up on this at a very young age and developed control issues. My life growing up was extremely unstructured (my parents got divorced when I was in fourth grade and both went through "selfish" phases where they heavily drank) and the fact that I was a middle child left me with little attention. I grew to be very independent, but also very emotionally awkward. I also tried to plan and control every aspect of my life that I could, mostly because my home life was very unpredictable. The result was that I became an excellent student, which went unnoticed. What I did notice was that, in my family, the more you messed up...the more attention you got. I found this extremely irritating and as a result, I constantly wanted to get away from my family. I ended up going to college 5 1/2 hours away from home to get away. I even planned to live in St. Louis and refused to move home after I graduated. haha. Ultimately, I moved back home (thank God) and started on my very successful Spark Journey :)
My dad has always used negative reinforcement to "encourage" us--which ultimately backfired on him (my siblings and I all rebelled in different ways--mine happened to be my weight gain). This further developed control issues in me. (Subconsciously, which I didn't realize until later), I felt like my family members were trying to control my weight and how I felt about myself by telling me I was fat. Mind you, I was like 25 pounds lighter than I am now and not fat at all.
Believe it or not, it wasn't until one of my good friends in college pointed out that I was a huge control freak before I even realized it. I was super self-destructive in college, so we're not even friends anymore...but I don't think I would have even realized I had control issues if it wasn't for him. Obviously, this has made me understand my weight gain a lot..but I remember hearing him say it and it clicking..."oh my gosh..I am a control freak!" haha..it was funny because it didn't hurt my feelings at all, it was almost comforting because I had realized something that explained why I was who I was so much. I don't know how long it would have taken to figure out if it wasn't for him..most of my friends from home never saw the side of me that my friends from college did (which wasn't really a good side-haha).
I was thinking about control, which is why I have had so many issues lately. My parents, who won't take credit for my gain..but have no problem taking credit for my loss, are my problem. I have worked TOO hard for anyone to take credit besides me..especially the people who put me where I was. At least that has been my mindset the past few months....and look at where it has gotten me..haha. Losing/gaining the same 5 pounds over and over again. So you know what it's time for? Letting go. I am going to seek help on getting over my control issues because they are getting me no where. Where I am going to find that help, I don't know.
Bottom line..only I can control how I feel. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions/stop blaming other people...and that starts today. Today is my 365th day on the site. I am going to start my one-year anniversary out like I did a year ago: strong. :)
Hope everyone is doing well! :)