I don't know how to explain how I feel right now (so I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make much sense); so many emotions going through my mind right now...I wish I were numb.

Most of my SP family is aware that my husband & I are separated (I've filed for divorce) and things are complicated (I've too little energy to re-tell the story; please refer to blogs dated October 2010-present). About two and a half weeks ago, he started calling the girls and even sent them a card each; we even "talked" and I was pleased (yet cautious) he was making an effort.

As of yesterday, we hadn't called heard from him in a few days, but I hadn't really given it much thought. It was early morning and I was wide awake (insomnia); I was messing around on Facebook, looking through "friends you might know"...my usual I'm bored routine. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated by what I found:

My husband has fathered another child with the "girlfriend that didn't exist." They recently had a little girl and not only is she 10 years younger than either of us, she already has a two year old son.

Some may not understand why I care, so let me explain. My husband and I had decided to add to our family, but were very surprised when I found out I was pregnant early last year. My method of birth control had previously taken a year before we conceived our youngest daughter; I'd also just underwent surgery on my breast and been told my pregnancy test was negative. I was concerned and delighted all at once, while my husband remained quiet.

I automatically assumed he was concerned for my health, but didn't have much time to dwell on it; something just didn't feel "right" with the pregnancy and I was trying to find an OB/GYN. A day or two before my first baby appointment, my husband came clean: he just wasn't ready for another baby right now. As it was obvious I was having problems and had probably been pregnant when I had surgery, he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. And when I went to my appointment, the doctor confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable; a d&c was performed.

If I had carried the baby to term, the children would have been less than three months apart. I've had a difficult time dealing with the loss of this past year, but I'm in counseling and trying to heal. Being a single mother of two isn't easy and the transition has been hard on the girls. Until now, I thought I'd been doing a good job of creating a stable, loving home.

Now I'm a mess and can't seem to get hold of my emotions. I know I'll eventually be okay (I have an appointment with my counselor later today), but I'm so tired of being the "better" person. I want to rant and rave...to hurt him emotionally, the way he's hurt my girls and myself. But it's impossible to hurt someone incapable of feeling.

I know it's only a matter of time before he leaves this girlfriend (and child) in the same manner he left me; he's already complaining about being unhappy. Is it weird that I actually feel sorry for her? And even more for the children involved? It's obvious he needs to get emotional help.

So please say a prayer for me as I continue to struggle. Your love and support means more to me than you'll ever know.