Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.


    BEAR_GURL   62,574
SparkPoints
60,000-79,999 SparkPoints
 
 

Why do you hurt me so?


Tuesday, March 08, 2011

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now (so I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make much sense); so many emotions going through my mind right now...I wish I were numb.

Most of my SP family is aware that my husband & I are separated (I've filed for divorce) and things are complicated (I've too little energy to re-tell the story; please refer to blogs dated October 2010-present). About two and a half weeks ago, he started calling the girls and even sent them a card each; we even "talked" and I was pleased (yet cautious) he was making an effort.

As of yesterday, we hadn't called heard from him in a few days, but I hadn't really given it much thought. It was early morning and I was wide awake (insomnia); I was messing around on Facebook, looking through "friends you might know"...my usual I'm bored routine. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated by what I found:

My husband has fathered another child with the "girlfriend that didn't exist." They recently had a little girl and not only is she 10 years younger than either of us, she already has a two year old son.

Some may not understand why I care, so let me explain. My husband and I had decided to add to our family, but were very surprised when I found out I was pregnant early last year. My method of birth control had previously taken a year before we conceived our youngest daughter; I'd also just underwent surgery on my breast and been told my pregnancy test was negative. I was concerned and delighted all at once, while my husband remained quiet.

I automatically assumed he was concerned for my health, but didn't have much time to dwell on it; something just didn't feel "right" with the pregnancy and I was trying to find an OB/GYN. A day or two before my first baby appointment, my husband came clean: he just wasn't ready for another baby right now. As it was obvious I was having problems and had probably been pregnant when I had surgery, he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. And when I went to my appointment, the doctor confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable; a d&c was performed.

If I had carried the baby to term, the children would have been less than three months apart. I've had a difficult time dealing with the loss of this past year, but I'm in counseling and trying to heal. Being a single mother of two isn't easy and the transition has been hard on the girls. Until now, I thought I'd been doing a good job of creating a stable, loving home.

Now I'm a mess and can't seem to get hold of my emotions. I know I'll eventually be okay (I have an appointment with my counselor later today), but I'm so tired of being the "better" person. I want to rant and rave...to hurt him emotionally, the way he's hurt my girls and myself. But it's impossible to hurt someone incapable of feeling.

I know it's only a matter of time before he leaves this girlfriend (and child) in the same manner he left me; he's already complaining about being unhappy. Is it weird that I actually feel sorry for her? And even more for the children involved? It's obvious he needs to get emotional help.

So please say a prayer for me as I continue to struggle. Your love and support means more to me than you'll ever know.
SHARE
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMAHOTMAMA 4/21/2011 1:38AM

    You are in my prayers. I can understand completely how you feel and anytime you need to rant, rave, hollar, scream or whatever just give me a call. I am here whenever you need me.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JIBBIE49 4/20/2011 11:44AM

    emoticon Men will lie.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JUNEAU2010 4/14/2011 11:46PM

    Prayers and cyberhugs freely given now and in the future. I hope you can feel them. This resonates for me in ways I cannot explain.... emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SRVFREAK176 4/14/2011 12:34PM

    emoticon ! You deserve to rant and rave! You are the better person! Time to love yourself and those beautiful girls! Wish I could hug you! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MYRTLEBEACHWINS 4/12/2011 5:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ACIMPEGGY 4/10/2011 3:07PM

    Sweet friend, I wish I would have read this a couple weeks ago!

How awful for you all! I won't lecture you ala A Course in Miracles and say that you ALLOW people to hurt you and to feel like a victim.

Cuz I KNOW that when one is going through such a situation, it is extremely difficult. It will make you even stronger than you are when all is settled.

I was divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. Thank goodness the kids were mostly grown.

Do know that I'm praying for you, sending you light and love!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ADNAW_YOTS 3/24/2011 8:05AM

    you did good writing this blog and cleansing your soul with it. I am so there for you. And I hope you take the time to properly mourn your loss as well. (been there more ways than one) I am always here for you and never hesitate to reach out emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JUSTBIRDY 3/21/2011 11:29PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
1BEACHWALKER 3/20/2011 12:52AM

    So sorry for the loss of your baby. Please take care and I hope all goes well for you. Sounds like the divorce is the best thing for all involved, but I know it is still hard to do, especially with kids being involved.
Hang in there.... We are here for you! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLORABEL 3/19/2011 11:35AM

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NPA4LOSS 3/19/2011 6:31AM

    I'm sorry I missed this blog. Please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts daily. Marriage and divorce are filled with pain and hurt. Some can work it out for others of us it is not attainable because of the person who is so determined to hurt all they can. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MORTICIAADDAMS 3/14/2011 4:55PM

    I have to be honest. The man is a dirtbag, He doesn't deserve any children or a family of any kind. My heart goes out to you. Scream it out. Love your children. Forget the creep.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PUGRAD1995 3/12/2011 11:17PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. But know that you will make it through it and have happier times ahead.

A friend of mine's husband left her when their second boy was months old twenty-some years ago. He is now on his fourth divorce. I remember her asking me at one point how much to tell the boys about their dad. And I told her just answer any questions they had, but they would figure it out themselves. It was hard for her to not say anything bad in front of the boys but she didn't.

We both loved it when we heard he was marrying #4 who was 20 years younger than him. Both of the boys called her "Trixie". I turned around and smiled at her and we both said - they have figured it out! Her oldest boy's fiance did ask me about his mom and his dad before their wedding. She said Jason remembered very little (he was about 3 when they divorced). I told her a little.

You will make it through-I also remember the nights I listened to Joy cry. She remarried the love of her life a few years later and they are still happily married. The boys are doing okay also. I hope you have a friend you can rely on also. Just know that you are strong!

PRayers on the way. Diana

Comment edited on: 3/12/2011 11:18:42 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SBW1027 3/10/2011 12:14PM

    I'm so sorry you are going thru this. You and your girls will be stronger in the end and happier. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 3/10/2011 11:56AM

    I'm so, so sorry. Know that you and your girls are in my thoughts and prayers; you will make it through this, I know, because that's who you are, but I can only imagine the pain this man has caused you. You can't help but feel sorry for the other people he has hurt and will continue to hurt until he gets straightened out. Give your girls an extra hug and know that you are giving them the love they need and deserve.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 3/10/2011 5:40AM

    emoticon I am sorry you are in pain right now. Please just be there for your girls.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DREENAMT 3/9/2011 7:24PM

    So sorry. Lots of love and understanding coming your way. Keep the faith -- one day you will heal.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JEN_BACK2BASICS 3/9/2011 1:45PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BARBARAROSE54 3/9/2011 1:08PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHANGE_4_ME 3/9/2011 10:56AM

    I think those who have commented before me have said it very well. I'm so sorry. I wish I could reach through and hug you so I am sending you virtual hugs. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Counseling is great and I feel you are going to have to let go of some angst ( I think that's the right word) toward him before you can heal yourself. The best way to show up someone that's hurt you is to show them how well you can do on your own. Continue to move forward.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NUTTYSNOOPYFAN 3/9/2011 10:33AM

    Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much. I'm glad you are able to see a therapist and I hope that is helping. I will pray for you and your girls. No, it's not weird to feel sorry for the girlfriend and especially the kids. Hang in there and try to do as much as you can for yourself. Lean on us, know that we're praying for you, and yes, you will eventually get through it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less now, and that's ok. Do what you need to do emotionally, knowing that there is no right or wrong about how you feel and how you're coping. Keep us posted as you are able and feeling up to it. emoticon emoticon Christine

Report Inappropriate Comment
GLAMNGLOWDIVA 3/9/2011 2:37AM

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your girls!
(((((( BIG HUGS ))))))

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAMAPERRY 3/9/2011 12:40AM

    I am so sorry. That has got to be devastating. Take some time to heal, ok? We are here for you. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
WVROSE1 3/8/2011 11:33PM

    sending hugs and prayers!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JHADZHIA 3/8/2011 11:09PM

    So very sorry to hear this :(( Hold your head up high! You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a compassionate, caring mother.. I feel sorry for the trail of people this man has no doubt hurt or will hurt.. Love can be truly blind sometimes.. Focus all your love and energy on your precious girls, they are what the most important people in your life..
My thoughts are with you..
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOMFAN 3/8/2011 9:02PM

    Hugs and prayers, I know it's hard to let it go, but in the end you are only hurting yourself! Praying for God to give you comfort and wisdom.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUNFLOWERGAL40 3/8/2011 8:53PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PURPLESPEDCOW 3/8/2011 5:45PM

    I have never even walked a step in your shoes, so I will just offer my friendship and virtual ear when you need one. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZURDTA- 3/8/2011 4:46PM

    I went through something similar with my ex-husband. It hurts - regardless of the fact that the relationship has broken down. I feel for you so much. All I can say is that you will get over it... I did. Those words may not help right now... but you have your own future and the future of those lovely daughters to look forward to.

The pain won't last forever.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DISNEYPARIS 3/8/2011 4:40PM

    You continue to be in my prayers. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PUDLECRAZY 3/8/2011 3:18PM

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. One day at a time and only handle as much as necessary. I am glad to hear that you are in therapy and hope you find relief there and with your friends. Find special ways to take care of yourself.

Prayers and hugs to you,
Chris

Report Inappropriate Comment
OLDERDANDRT 3/8/2011 3:10PM

    Sending you strength amd healing vibes, gf... I am so sorry this has come down upon you and the girls. And I think you are right. He has a big problem. Don't let it be yours. You gotta take care of you and your girls. Big hugs, my friend. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MTNGRL 3/8/2011 2:28PM

    Sending you big emoticon emoticon . You have been thru so much and still are the kind sweet woman we love despite being hurt so much. You are a blessing to your girls and they will appreciate the way you are raising them when they get older.
Healing thoughts are coming your way.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BJWESTON70 3/8/2011 1:41PM

    I feel your pain with the loss of your pregnancy as I have been there. And to deal with everything else ~ my heart goes out to you. Just focus on those 2 beautiful little girls and giving yourself time to heal. Hang in there!

Sending lots of hugs your way! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
~Billie

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIBBYFITZ 3/8/2011 1:26PM

    emoticon You are right to have feelings for the other people involved in your estranged husbands life. They are human and he appears to not have grown up! He does need help, but that is something only he can do!

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RONIE11 3/8/2011 12:17PM

    I'm so sorry you lost the baby... That is the tragedy here.. its hard to see right now because its all new and fresh but you are better off with someone like your ex .. I know you love him and he is the father to your children but you have a very long life ahead of you and to spend any amount of energy on him is really not worth it.. you deserve someone who will cherish you and your children.. there are lots of wonderful people around that will lift your spirits and make you feel wonderful about yourself...I have been divorce for a long time now and my only regret is the months and years even getting over him...once I moved on I was so much happier and so was my daughter... I pray you can move on quickly and find the love you deserve....Ronie

Report Inappropriate Comment
LINDA! 3/8/2011 12:05PM

    My youngest daughter has gone through experiences of her husband leaving her for another woman on a few occasions (no children involved). I know how devastated she has been. I certainly can understand why you are feeling the way you do. Although painful now, I think it will be a good thing in the long run that you know the truth now. Please know that I am praying for you. I hope that your counseling session helps. I am very sorry for all you are going through. You are a valuable person. You deserve so much better than what you have been given. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PROMISE2DESIGN 3/8/2011 11:58AM

    Praying for you and your girls. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JELLI-LEAN 3/8/2011 11:50AM

    emoticon and emoticon

As I recall your emotions can run the gambit for several years even after the divorce! Keep your chin up sweetie, YOU are a VERY SPECIAL person!


Comment edited on: 3/8/2011 11:51:37 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 3/8/2011 11:42AM

    emoticon Praying

Report Inappropriate Comment
JOSIECL 3/8/2011 11:41AM

    emoticon

Well, my friend, you have certainly shown that you have a beautiful soul, inside and out. I can only imagine the pain, as I have not gone through this experience before.

The only thing you can do, my love, is take care of your beautiful girls. And don't forget to smile for them, even if it is forced right now, soon you may find that the smile comes easier and easier.

Take heart, dear one, that you are never given more than you can truly handle, it may feel like the weight of the world, but I have confidence, and faith in you, that you can do this ... that you can get through this and come out so much stronger than what you thought you were in the beginning.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MIMIBELLE 3/8/2011 11:17AM

  Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. I hope that you have a good support system IRL to help you. We're here for you, too!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
100LBLIGHTER 3/8/2011 11:08AM

    Your blinders have been lifted.....and that is not easy to see someone as they really are. Believe it or not it is a blessing. It is no reflection on you or the kids. You loved him true. My advice is for you to get your life together. enjoy your children.

I have been there. Some of my Best years with DD (Beth) were the year after my marriage failed. I worked and took care of my home...and had fun with her. A few years later, after the hurt had healed...I met my husband...so different than the first.
All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Believe me you will be surprised...trust Him. Blessings, Grace

Comment edited on: 3/8/2011 11:09:39 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
GROOVYCHICK9 3/8/2011 11:05AM

    My thoughts and prayers are flying your way. Hang in there. You have a safe place to rant and rave...your therapy. That is the place you unload and let it all go. God doesn't give you a situation you can't handle. No it isn't fair but focus on your girls and you can do anything.



Report Inappropriate Comment
THINIWILLBE21 3/8/2011 10:57AM

    Oh, BEARGURL, I hurt with you and for you emoticon .

You are such an extremely unselfish and loving person. You have shown that side of yourself once again as you write about caring for the other woman and for her children. WOW!!!

I was in a very similar situation years ago and found out my ex husband had fathered two sons. I received a letter from the mother of the two boys asking me if that was all right. I felt so sorry for her! My ex husband and I were already separated when I received the letter. I'm not sure if we were together when he fathered the two boys or not, the letter was so unexpected and strange, I couldn't figure out the math as to when he and I split and when the children were conceived.

BEARGURL, I now have a truly wonderful husband abd I wish the same for you!!! You deserve a great marriage!!!

emoticon emoticon ,
Barbara

Report Inappropriate Comment
NATPLUMMER 3/8/2011 10:15AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ITSTHENEWLAUREN 3/8/2011 9:53AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon
I have no words of advice since I haven't been in your shoes. I am hurt and angry for you and I think you have every right to feel the way you do. Please take care of yourself and you precious littel girls. I know you are strong and will make it through but that liekly isn't a very comforting thought while in the midst of everything. emoticon


Report Inappropriate Comment
PRAYINGSUZIE 3/8/2011 9:42AM

    I am praying for you and your girls. I wish could come hug you! You really need one or two, maybe a dozen! I am so sorry you are going thru this.

Suzie

P.S. I just heard this song from Sidewalk Prophets and thought of you. It is called "The Words I Would Say" (You could google it and listen to it. It made me cry!)

Three in the morning, and Iím still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what Iíd say
If we were face to face

Iíd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
Youíre gonna do great things
I already know
Godís got His hand on You
So donít live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But donít forget why youíre here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are

I know cause Iíve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
Youíre going to do great things
I already know
Godís got His hand on You
So donít live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But donít forget why youíre here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would

SayÖ from one simple life to another
I will sayÖ come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
Youíre gonna do great things
I already know
Godís got His hand on You
So donít live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But donít forget why youíre here

Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

Report Inappropriate Comment
PIXIE-LICIOUS 3/8/2011 9:30AM

    Your husband sounds a lot like my first husband. My heart aches for you because even though my situation was different, I was married to the same kind of guy and I know how much it can hurt.

Don't strike back at him, and don't worry about the other woman. Focus on you and your kids. Be happy. I know that sounds hard but it is possible, you'll have to work at it though. Forget about him. Don't let him take up any more of your heart, your mind or your emotions. I hope you don't mind me being so blunt, but to be honest I wish someone had said things like this to me back when I was with my first husband.

Move on...you and your kids deserve happiness. You can't make him be a good husband or father, but you can be the best mom in the world and you can be happy without him.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MARTY728 3/8/2011 9:17AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Through experience I know that while time does not heal all wounds, with time the pain fades to nothing but a distant memory.

Comment edited on: 3/8/2011 9:35:52 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post


Log in to post a comment.
Member Comments Page (64 total):  1 2 Next >