Wednesday, March 02, 2011
I'm feeling lost at sea right now.
I remember when I began this journey. I remember starting to work out - 20 minutes of walking, 3 days a week. I remember learning to control my food. I started on the South Beach diet. And although knowing what I know now, I wouldn't use that as a regular eating habit, but it did show me that there were things I was eating that I wouldn't die if I didn't have. It taught me that I could control what I ate. It taught me that I don't need bread! I like it, but I don't need it. That's where this began.
After almost a year of that, I accidentally ran into sparkpeople looking for recipes for ground turkey on the internet. I started going through the site, set up a page, and saw the trackers. I didn't start tracking my food right away. I also ordered Turbo Jam at the same time. I found the TurboJam sparkteam and was excited to have something to share with people and a place to go for more information. Then I got curious. I started to wonder what I was eating and how much I was eating and what that equalled to calorie wise. And so began my nurition tracking. Fall of 2008, I felt the best that I had in my life. I felt fit, I felt small, I felt in control. I hit my lowest weight - 145. It happened to be on the day of my 15th high school reunion. I had lost 35 lbs at that point from when I began just walking. I was working out 5 days a week, I was tracking my food. I was making more good decisions than bad ones.
I also remember that people couldn't help noticing the changes. The confidence that I had. The positive feelings. And people would ask me how i did it. I would tell them about Spark. I would tell them about Turbo Jam. I would tell them that it is diet and exercise. And that you don't have to cut things out - you just have to recognize that there are things you can't eat a lot of - whether it is in one sitting or every day. And I remember some people telling me they couldn't do it. And I remember thinking, you just have to make the choice. And every time you put something in your mouth, make a choice. Every time you sit down to watch tv for hours on end, make a different choice. We are all about the choices we make.
How pompous I was.
After hitting my lowest weight ever, I gained 5 lbs back in the following few months. I struggled right around the 150 mark for 2 years - sometimes a couple pounds under, sometimes up to 5 pounds over. But within 5 lbs of 150.
And then at the start of 2010, I was seldom getting under 150 and I seemed to hover around the 155 mark - again, sometimes a few pounds under, sometimes a few pounds over.
Then this last fall, it seems like everything fell apart. I got sick. A stupid respiratory infection. It was hard to do anything - including just walk up the stairs-without getting extremely winded. And not working out, I struggled with my eating. And the pounds came on. Pretty soon I was at 160. then the holidays came. It's stressful for me because it is the busiest time for me at work. With holiday get-togethers, eating out because of lack of time to cook anything, not finding time to workout even though I was past the respiratory infection, and the pounds kept coming.
Like most people, I told myself that I was going to get back on track after New Year's. I mean, I had told everyone that that it is about choices, right? So I needed to make a choice. Starting with food & water & getting back to working out. It's just a choice.
A choice that I just can't seem to make. I'm struggling. I'm more than struggling, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my own expectations. I'm drowning in my horrible choices. I'm drowning in my life. and everything that I "know" isn't helping me. I KNOW that I need to get back to working out. I KNOW that I'll feel better about myself when I do. Yet I can't find the time to do what I was doing only 6 months ago! I KNOW that I need more sleep, but something has to give. I KNOW that every calorie going in is getting counted and if I don't work out, that calorie and all of the others I'm shoving in, are going to make themselves comfortable around my waist. I KNOW that I need to just start somewhere, but I feel like a horrible failure. I've gained OVER 20 lbs back from my lowest weight. I had stood in front of the mirror and told myself never again, and yet here I am. I told myself I would never get back to a size 12, but my size 10s are pushing the edge. I have gone from a borderline size 6 to probably needing a size 12.
And yet I still can't make those "choices" I was so willing to explain to people. Things are tough right now. Financially, things are tough. I'm struggling with my job as many are in the economy. My children are getting older and as a mom, I feel like I'm not doing all that I can for them - including making sure that they are learning the healthy lifestyles that I don't want them to have to learn later in life like I have.
I think about the person I was at 145 and how much I took for granted. And I look at what I've done to myself and I just don't know how to make the next step. I've tried my old standbys for trying to get motivated - we're going to a waterpark with the kids in April & I will have to be in a swimsuit. We have my husband's friend's wedding in May. My cousin is getting married in August. How 'bout the fact that I won't have ANY shorts that fit this summer if I don't do SOMEthing?
WHY can I not do this? Why am I watching Biggest Loser and bawling? I'm searching high and low and I can't find the woman that started this process. And I haven't run into that women who felt so confident about her decisions either. All I've found is a woman I'm not proud of anymore. A woman who isn't happy. A much larger version of the stronger, confident, healthier woman who existed not too long ago.
I don't know if a lifesaver can help me. I just don't know if I have what it takes. I'm barely paddling water and I'm just not going anywhere.