Thoughts are racing in my head and I decided to declutter them here...
Nothing else so far has been working!
I will not bother to try to make sense of anything... i'll just throw it out there.
I gained a bit!
Not saying how much because I have not been consistently weighing so I'm not sure if i caught a high or a low with my last weight. I have varicose veins that make my legs swell so I can retain quite a bit of water and lately I feel bloated alot so God alone knows how much junk is retained in my gut... I cannot seem to get my tummy flat at all even sucking it in which is not usual. so I acknowledge the real possibility that all this "weight" is not fat.
However I have not made time to do cardio lately. I started feeling over whelmed with all the parts of my life again so i have been cutting back in every area... some wisely some not so wisely e.g. I should be in church right now but there is a family get together today and my sister had a baby last night. I have to drive many miles to visit her in hospital and did not feel i could handle it all. So I dropped church... NOT WISE! I need it now more than ever! I also did not go on Friday... anyone understand what I mean when I say it is hard to smile for so long? And if anyone asks me what is wrong they may get more than they bargained for. So for their safety and mine I am staying away. (still not wise...)
I finally caught up with some long overdue filing (a year's worth) and got the statuotory requirements for the business I work for up to date. I breathe a sigh of relief there and am proud of myself for handling things but... I still feel like I am not doing enough. (This is a much longer story than I care to go into here so just use your imagination... there is alot more I need to be doing)
The job is pretty ok for now. I work in a different office now. Alot more convenient to get to and from. Much better team to work with. I still feel anxious in it because so many times before things pop up and mess up an acceptable work situation. I know I should not fear the worse here butI feel it is risky to get too comfortable and risk being destabilised if things change.
Maybe it was good to get that out there... I am way more anxious on the job than I need to be. So I need to address that.
I am in Physiotherapy gym... It is AWESOME!
The trainer works with athletes so the strength training is the bomb!! sooo functional! and unlike anything I've seen done before. I LOVE IT!! only challenge is his times are limited so I work with him mondays and fridays at 8am! This means on those two days It is a mad rush to get the kids ready and leave the house to face rush hour traffic to get to him and rush to work late and try to catch up with the other coworkers so no one can say I did not do my share. I probably pressure myself more than I should but its a bad habit that wont go away. Even reaching late I often do more than my share. Go figure?!
The house is untidy again. With a husband and kids you cannot expect a house to stay how you left it but in light of mounting pressures... I had to back off obsessiong about the house... ERGO... MESS!!
The biggest issue plaguing me concerns a family matter I cannot get into here.
(One of the reasons I did not want anyone who knows me to be my friend on spark! lol
I have friends and family here now so I do not feel as free to just say what's going on in my life. Shucks darn! I tried having the public and private page but it was to much work because of the loggin in. So I'm only here now. The other is still open for now but I'm not using it.
I'm still dancing in church (only once since starting physiotherapy) I'm wondering if to drop that. Maybe not because now both my kids are in the junior dance ministry so I have to take them to practice anyway... I may as well. Plus I ADORE dancing! Best part of my life! (almost)
I do miss sparking consistently.... REALLY MISS IT!!
But I have one of those lives and minds that need to drop something to pick up something else.
I need to log food again... but to do that I'll have to drop something... and all my other balls need to be in the air right now. I want to study online and have a baby but those two have been scratched from the list... indefinitely! At best in 5 years I may have time for one of the two... and having a baby late in life is NOT my desire.... but it does make me sad that I'm too busy to have a baby.
I'm not reading this over to see if it makes sense... I warned you it is a ramble...
Strangely I do not feel better yet... no release... must be because of all the things I left unsaid.