Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In the workbook, Beck calls Day 25 "paying attention to thinking", whereas in her book itself she directs us to "identify sabotaging thoughts".
How do I know I'm having sabotaging thoughts? I feel tempted to eat something I shouldn't (wanted to have a granola bar last night, was salivating at the smell of they guys' turkey dinner); I actually eat something I shouldn't (nope); I feel tempted to skip some part of the program (tried to talk myself into staying in bed this morning instead of going to the gym: but went); I feel unhappy about some element of dieting (yeah: in particular with the obsessive focus the Beck program requires).
So the sabotaging thought include ideas like this:
Dieting is too hard. (Not just too hard, but somehow inelegant and narcissistic, both).
I don't care. (Well, actually . . . I do. But this much???)
It's okay to eat this. (Would have still been in my range with the granola bar: but it wasn't in my plan)
I'm really hungry. (And I was: but this too passes: went to bed instead)
No one will know. (Except me. And my waist).
So today's a day for reflection and being conscious of those fleeting rationalizations. I'll be doing that. But I'm mindful of the comments on yesterday's blog: there is more to life than rigid "dieting" and I've got to find a balance that feels more atune with my own personality and range of interests.
The sky was dark with brilliant stars at 5:30 a.m.when we left for the gym; the sunrise over the trees through the east window of the weights room vivid and warm. I treated myself to a German chocolate cake coffee (0 calories). On our return home, Charlie greeted us at the door with wheeks of pleasure. My husband made me laugh as we waltzed around the kitchen, preparing our breakfasts and getting in each other's ways; a week ago, we were in the emergency ward. I've got some interesting work to do today. And I'm going to wear my size six dark green pantsuit: yeah!
Balance, balance, balance. Maintaining weight loss is important for me. It's important because I want to be healthy and enjoy my rich and meaningful life. And look good, of course, as good as I can. Which makes life more fun!! But that's why: weight loss is not an end in itself, it's a means to an end which is complex and multifaceted and sparkling. So I'll be thinking about that too. Thinking about that.