Sunday, February 20, 2011
I have long known that my relationship with food is fairly unhealthy. Simply put: I eat.
Yesterday, after a delicious lunch of an overstuffed pita (veggie with humus), my boyfriend and I decided to head to the mall.
Malls are of little appeal to me – probably because I’m no longer a teenager, and am no longer able to spend my parent’s hard-earned money on whatever frivolous item is presently all the rage. Being an adult is kind of rip-off, but I digress.
The only appeal of the mall…is the food court.
Food courts are my mecca. Japanese, Mexican, Chinese, donuts, cakes, ice cream, slushies, subs, pizza…all in one central location. It is all a little overwhelming! My senses overload amidst the smells..the anticipation of flavor (not that mall-food is extremely savory, but I’m not really choosy), sugary delights, spices. Yes, I love food courts.
So naturally, in all my extreme excitement, I ask my boyfriend – “Do you mind if we get a noodle bowl at the Japanese place?”
In response, he sort of gives me a sideways glance, and asks “Are you actually hungry?”
Now, my boyfriend did not know me during my 300+lbs days. He was not there when I went through the upheaval of a major lifestyle change. Nor was he there through the emotional outburst of “HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME?” He did not see me cry over my disgust for my body. He does not know that I can consume enough food in one meal to adequately satisfy a family of four for two days. Nor does he know how much I crave to do so. He does not know that my basic thought pattern revolves around…food. And he still thinks my preoccupation with cake is just a cute character flaw. He doesn’t know that a slice of cake can easily become an entire cake.
So when asked “Are you actually hungry?” I admittedly had to stop and think.
In fact I was stuffed from my recently devoured lunch.
Wow. Small epiphany.
This little incident made me think…maybe it is time for me to start listening to my body. You see, I have started to believe that I have no off-switch. There has never been a point at which I would say “NO” to food. I have always tried to convince myself that I still want more, need more, would be unfulfilled unless I had MORE.
After an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, it would be nothing for me to go home and raid the fridge, looking for the next item to devour.
I am a food junkie. I crave my fix.
And yet, is it my body or my mind that is screaming “EAT, EAT, EAT. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD?”
And yes – it is my mind. Because in that moment, when I finally stopped to THINK and LISTEN TO MY BODY…I was FULL.
So really, it is mind over matter. And like every junkie looking for their next fix, this is something I evidently need to overcome. Oh ya…and right now, as I write this…I’m still stuffed from dinner, and have no reason to eat. What a realization!