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Back to Being a Loner

Friday, February 18, 2011

I don't make friends easily, especially with women, I am slightly introverted, kind of private about stuff, a little raw, and tend to back away when I think someone is too busy. Guys it's a little easier with but as a woman in a committed relationship for the best part of a decade having too many guy friends that aren't his friends can cause issues no matter what the situation. A couple years ago I posted a platonic friend ad on Craigslist and ended up connecting with a awesome woman who lived in my area and we became friends. Like many friendships at first you spend a lot of time together and we saw each other all the time, walked together, shopped together, hung out, and generally paled around. Last year when I started my SG program, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, mostly in case I failed, so I didn't tell people right away but when I did she was supportive, if they had a party they would make a chicken breast for me while they cooked brats even though I told them not to go to the extra bother, it was sweet and we had a good summer, both busy with work and whatever and she and her husband were trying to conceive.
To me this is one of those things I don't ask people about, it seems strange to ask people how it's going, we are talking about their intimate relations, but I thought I was supportive about the fertility treatments, but really until you tell me there is a baby, how excited am I supposed to get? A few month went on and they decided their money would go to better use adopting so they started that process. Again when it comes to people and their child procurement I feel better staying out of it I was happy for them and asked few questions about the process because I wouldn't really know where to start. At one point they asked their network of people to write a testimonial for them or whatever and since they just kind of sent a blanket request and they have a large pool of friends I didn't do it. This is where I think I messed up, but she never asked me directly to do this just in a "if you want to" way. (I'm not good with subtle) I would think she would know this, when she needed wedding favors made I was there, when her parents were coming to visit I helped clean up the yard and planted flower boxes, when the adoption home inspection was happening I came to help clean, I cut out 200 stars and decorated a hall for a benefit she was helping with.
In the fall a friend of hers moved in with them and I started to feel left out a little, no big deal, they were busy and never had their own time together so when the roommate wasn't around I am sure they were happy to chill as a couple. I felt that our relationship was changing and that's ok, we didn't talk everyday, I didn't feel comfortable dropping by like I used to. Then her roommate and another friend threw her a baby shower and didn't include me except as a guest, I know there isn't that much to do but I am her friend too and would have liked to do something (make food, decorate, whatever) still no big deal, not a huge shower person but I went and did that thing it was nice. I was planning on throwing the outdooring after they got a baby/kid (a post birth shower essentially) Well as the winter set in our calls dwindled to connecting once a week and in mid December we went to get pedis before I went on a trip and we talked at Christmas, (generally a hard time for my family due to a loss and my SO doesn't really like to celebrate) I called her New Years Day to wish her Happy New Year and she has never responded and I have called her since and got VM that never were returned. I just don't know what I did and my usual thing is to just be done, but I miss my friend and if I messed up I would like the chance to apologize to her.
I realize now that despite the general support of making chicken when they were serving pork she never once complemented me on my weight loss, we both struggle with our weight and I know how girls are so I never took it too mean anything. She also never wanted to come to my house to hang out we did everything at her house, granted there is more space at her place since we live in a TH and they have a SFH. I know I am not a stellar friend, I have many flaws, I don't show my emotions like others, I'm guarded about things some people don't understand, I don't use social media that I can't keep some level of anonymity (like spark), I am terrible with dates and easily miss birthdays and that sort of thing. I'm not an over planner I have a general guide for my day but that's it, I am a very spontaneous person. I am childless and still trying to figure out if I even want to have any so I don't get all giddy about that stuff until there is a baby/kid but I love kids. On the flip side I am a loyal friend, I would do anything for a buddy if they asked.
The end to my story is where the title fits in, I am back to being a loner and am sad about it, I am hating myself for being the kind of person who can't connect well with others. I feel like a failure and that one day I am going to be this lonely old woman with no kids because she was scared they would hate her and no friends because she doesn't use facebook.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    First of all , thank you for getting back to me about my sisters who love to eat! So, I came to your page and found your blog. It seems to me that you would make a great friend. You followed up with me didn't you?

    I hear what you are saying in your blog. I would give it one more chance. Take that last sentence of paragraph 2 and say that to her in just those simple, honest words. I know from other friends who have been in your friend's situation, that getting a child is all consuming, and goes to the core of the woman. Try once again, she may be missing you too, and if you're open, she just might respond in kind, and say something like "I didn't think you were interested in the most important thing in my life right now!". What have you got to loose at this point?

    Others before me have good suggestions as well! Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you
    Jan emoticon
    2228 days ago
    I too am a loner and feel like I am that worst case scenario you were worried about.

    I never minded being alone all that much. I had a loving partner and life was good. Til it wasn't.

    I realize I am an INFJ, which is less than 1% of the population. Some of what you describes sort of fit an INFJ. Even if you are not an INFJ, just doing that assessment *google it, very easy to find* can help emmensely to understand and love ourselves the way we are. There is beauty in all sorts, imo.

    When a very loving and kind person helped me, steered me to take the assessment of my own self, it sort of what a light bulb moment for me. Might be for you too.

    Bottom line, we never know about tomorrow. I had been very confident that my relationship was all I needed, did not want for more. Now that all that has changed and I lost everything, had to move, etc. I am in quite the pickle.

    Suggestion - have a support system, start now while you have things good. You did great imo, reaching out to this woman. She obviously had other issues and needs.

    Find support else where. Getting involved in things you are passionate about is a good place to start. It is where I am at today, completely alone in a new place, new city, and realizing I have to work at my social skills. Which quite frankly yours sound like they are pretty good. You were thoughtful, imo. Kind and considerate. What she took as something other, well that is on her, not you.

    Just my opinion.

    No man is an island. I can attest to that. Make plans for worst case and best case scenarios. Be a scout about it, be prepared.
    2240 days ago
    It's okay to be a loner. I'm not a very social person in real life but I connect a lot on the computer between Yahoo groups and facebook. That's my choice, it doesn't have to be your choice. If you are worried about not connecting with people - look for groups of like minded people. Join a church or a committee. Find a recreational group (like a knitting group) or volunteer. That will help you connect with people and expand your group of friends.
    On a different note - your friend may be going through a tough time. Send her a card or letter and tell her that you hope everything is good and that you miss connecting with her. Make it open and let her know that you are just touching base. It's only been 1 1/2 months since New Years and I know that adoption stuff is really time consuming.
    2433 days ago
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