Thursday, February 17, 2011
This may be a bit choppy, but here goes. I'm not good at getting out what is inside, but I know I need to try. I'm terribly private, so this is very very hard for me. I never used to be this way, but somehow over the last few years I've turned into a veritible hermit. I think I'm in a rut, which most of the time I don't mind. But every once in a while, I look up and see other people living life and I miss it. I now find myself over 1000 miles away from anyone in my family except my 14 year old daughter. One of my best friends moved back to New York last year and the other best friend I have is moving to Arizona next week. My other 2 children live across the country in different states as well. I don't make friends easily--I actually don't even have the drive or desire most days. But as the years are flying by, I realize that my youngest daughter is only going to be here for a few more years. Then I'm going to be completely alone. We have a great relationship, especially considering she's 14...lol. But I don't think I want to be totally alone and isolated for the rest of my life. That's the path I'm on right now.
I've been at the same job now for 4 1/2 years. I work in a call center which requires me to literally sit plugged into a phone for 8-12 hours a day. I've cut down on some of my overtime the last few months, but still don't do anything with the extra time I sometimes have now. I have to be AT work at 6:30 am which makes for a pretty early night for me. Most days I just roll out of bed, throw clothes on (I don't ever care how I look), brush my teeth, wash my face and head out the door. Then I go to a job I hate that has in part made me terribly unhealthy and obese. By the time I'm done with a 12 hour day of just sitting, I'm exhausted. I get home to my daughter and dogs, and don't feel like doing anything except crawling into bed. Here comes the fast food. I eat, watch tv, then go to bed. This is my life.
I log onto SP sometimes, read blogs, get tired, become envious, read some more, log off, go home and do the same thing every day. My exercise may be a weekly trip to the dog park.
I'm bi-polar which doesn't help at all. Sometimes I want to do things right, most times not. When I'm not feeling it, the prevalent thought that crosses my mind is looking at the rest of the world and the comparison of fit people to non-fit people. Fat people win, hands down. Why not just be like everyone else? Why do I have to be special? Why can't I just be happy with myself the way I am now and get on with it? I still haven't found answers to those questions, even after 3+ years.
I went on a very strict 4 week high protein very low carb diet recently. I made it through 2 weeks and lost almost 10 pounds. I try to figure out how I stayed motivated, but I can't find the trigger. It was just the right time. That's how I do things. That's how I quit smoking. I didn't tell anyone--I can't handle accountability. But one day I just stopped. It's been well over a year---I don't even remember the day because I didn't make a big deal out of it. I think that's why it worked for me. Accountability TERRIFIES me........!!!
I am trying to get registered for school again. I will try to attend online. As if I don't have enough student loans as it is! If I don't do something, I will be stuck in this dead end job forever. I'm just afraid of getting another job where I sit all day. Since I started this job, I've gained at least 30-40 pounds. Everyone here does. I want a job that I can be active in. But I'm turning 40 this year--I'm tired. I don't WANT to go back to school anymore. I also don't have the memory I used to have either. I'm afraid I'll fail.......
Speaking of turning 40---My 40th birthday is in May. I've been single now for over 3 years. I've had absolutely no desire to date at all. My children can't/don't do anything for my birthday. I will have no friends around at that time. No family here either. I never do anything for my birthday. I want to do something this year. I am thinking of taking a cruise by myself. I know it could be fun, but what if it's not? What if I'm just that pathetic fat lady taking a cruise by herself? I don't think I can even bring myself to buy a bathing suit. I may not even be able to get the time off work. Then I think maybe I'll go visit my friend in NYC for a week. But she has to work and I won't be able to do much because I'll be by myself in a strange city during the day while she's working. I've been there once with her before she moved back there and we had a great time. I just can't imagine what I would do by myself for a week while she's at work........ :(
So there it is. I'm lazy. I'm anti-social. I don't know how to make friends anymore. Sometimes I think I should just be happy being fat. I'm lazy. I'm tired. I hate my job. I'm alone and sometimes lonely. I'm lazy. I don't know how to eat right. I'm lazy. I'm tired.
Welcome to my pity party. Wow, I'm a mess. No wonder I don't have any friends.
*****I'm not looking for pity at all---please don't misunderstand me. I just had to try to get it out. I happen to be in one of my moods that encourage that and know it's a good thing.
OOOOhhhhhh, OOOOhhhhhh, I have an idea. I want to name my moods. I need a name for the following mood--Aware that I need to change and wants to get motivated! Any ideas on what her name should be? This may actually be fun. I've never thought about naming my moods before. I have never embraced my personalities so fully before. Maybe I can even get one of my moods to kidnap and hold for ransom one or more of my not so great moods!!
**disclaimer---I'm not really bad crazy, just a little good crazy that takes fun where I can find it....****