Thursday, February 17, 2011
No doubt about it, I've been having a really rough go of it lately. I can't seem to put my finger on what exactly is wrong, since it seems like everything is wrong, and yet, nothing is wrong. I don't know if I've reached a point of such deep introspection that I've gone too far and can't seem to pull myself out, or if it's more that I'm not looking deep enough and I'm hovering over myself to avoid having to feel anything too deeply.
Anyone who just got through the above paragraph should then understand me when I say I'm just feeling confused by it all. I can't make up my mind about anything. I feel like I'm living day to day in a haze. Nothing about me seems driven or focused anymore and I just want it all to be over with. But what exactly are we getting over here? Life?
I thought it was the Vitamin D, but after a week on a high dose of D vitamins and increased calcium, things haven't changed as much as I initially thought. The scale is up, which I actually admitted to today and moved my ticker back a pound and a bit. That's the result of almost 2 weeks of eating WELL above my calorie limits and surprisingly enough, getting away with it until now. Training so hard with my running both burned me out for exercise in general and made me way too hungry during a particularly rough time anyway so I've been binging again. And I miss having a man in my life. Maybe not just a man, but someone close enough to me to talk to and bounce opinions and ideas and arguments off of (preferably while lying in bed together). Valentine's is a particularly lonely time for newly single people and I've been pining for the past for far too long these past couple of weeks. The Scientist is still in love with me - which he basically told me, but not in so many words. Knowing that makes it really hard for me, since I do miss him too but ultimately just want to be over the relationship so that I can move on. I am NOT getting involved in a long-distance nightmare again, and even if I could tolerate the thought of living apart from someone for 2 years, him and I are just never going to be on the same page. I can't knowingly continue down this path of making up and breaking up with him in my head.
I'm living the absolute opposite of everything I'm trying to attain for myself. I'm impatient and stressed out to the max - and when you are impatient you cannot be happy. It's impossible. You also cannot sustain, or nurture, or develop proper skills and habits because you're in too darn much of a hurry to make things happen now, now, now. Shedding my impatience for life in general has been a huge issue for me to overcome. I've done pretty well at calming myself down in the past, but lately I have forgotten how to breathe and I need that ability back again.
I fear this is all because I'm getting really close to that 100 pound mile marker. For some reason I believe that magical things are going to happen the morning I wake up and the scale says 212lbs. And then for every pound I lose between 212 and 199, more magical things are going to occur. I'll wake up with a bevvy of best girl friends that I've had since pre-school and we'll finish each others' sentences and plan each others' bridal showers, I'll find a perfect boyfriend who will sweep me off my feet and become my perfect husband and we'll make perfect babies while he buys me perfect flowers every Friday, my problems at work will disappear, my staff will cease to be annoying and I'll be offered a huge raise for my troubles, my mother will figure out that all of my life struggles mysteriously lead back to her and she'll call me and offer me the apology that I so desperately want from her for being so clueless about everything, and oh, I don't know, maybe I'll win the lottery on top of all of that, even though I never play. Yes, that's it - I'll FIND the golden ticket in the street. If Charlie did, why can't I?
I know if I want any of these things, I can have them - except maybe the lottery. But they're not going to happen "magically" because the world owes me a favour. They will happen if I make them happen by standing up for myself and asking for what I want out of life. BUT IT'S JUST SO DARN HARD!!!! (*Whiny Face)
The whiny face makes me eat. Being mad at life because it doesn't just serve me up the dish I'm craving is juvenile and ridiculous, but it's the truth. Somewhere along the way, the communication lines broke down for me. Instead of having the feeling that I deserve something great and then going out and achieving that something great I have inserted a couple of steps in between. I go from feeling that I deserve something great, to questioning why it is that I feel that I deserve something great, to then feeling guilty about feeling like I deserve something great, to denying myself the fact that I deserve something great, to eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's because that's the closest thing I can have to something great, to berating myself for using the only method I have ever known to make myself feel better about not getting the original something great. And in all this muddling around, somewhere along the line I forget what I really wanted in the first place. I am the Queen of taking something great and making it into one big mess. And then here comes the kicker - all of this leaves me saying to myself "but if the world would just give me what I wanted in the first place, I could avoid all of this crap!" Unfortunately, therapy isn't that easy. You have to unpack all the crap before you can put it back in the box. And hopefully you decide to ditch some of the junk along the way. I've always loved a good rummage sale!
OK - so I'm cutting out the crap. Trying to get back to just "achieving something great" for myself without all the extra steps. If Bootcamp taught me one thing it's that 10 minutes a day works. So I'm stripping back my heavy exercise routine just for a little while until I feel more balanced again and less like I want to kill someone every time I think about working out. 30 minutes a day instead of an hour or more. The only exception to this rule is Zumba since it's an hour class. I already know I can run 8K. For now I don't need to keep training hard for the 10K unless I feel particularly energetic on a Sunday afternoon. Get the eating under control. I've been severely lacking in fruits and veggies at home because I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while. But I have my groceries ordered and they'll be here Friday morning so I'll have lots of new selection to choose from. I'm going to try some new Spark recipes this weekend - looking forward to making some kale chips to see if they're any good. I've made a couple of big steps on the annoying staff front by asking for what I want at work. I knew my co-worker with the new boyfriend was going to come in today and GUSH about her Valentine's date and frankly, I knew I couldn't bear to hear about it and, umm, I just don't care, so when she did exactly what I knew she was going to do, I stopped her and asked if we could please not talk about Valentine's Day. I am just happy that it's over for another 364 days. I feigned happiness for her, and told her I was glad that she had a wonderful time, but that I really didn't want to talk about it. And what do you know -she was cool with that. Wow. Asking for what I really wanted worked! I might have to try that again.
I have it in me to get to where I want to be. And I wouldn't be human if I didn't have all these feelings and emotions about it along the way. I know nothing magical is going to happen at 100 pounds lost (besides maybe getting to post a really fun blog about it). And really, 100 pounds is only half way there for me. I still have a long, slow way to go. There is life after losing 100 pounds. What kind of life that is, is totally up to me.