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Confession


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hello everyone itís been sometime now since I actually sat down to write a blog and SO much has happened since; good and bad.

Where to start? Hum, well Iíll start with the bad. Itís been 2 Ĺ weeks since Iíve done P90X. Iím really down on myself because of it. About that time I started to feel under the weather almost like I was getting sick but it didnít quit evolve; physically I was completely out of it and canít quit explain exactly what I was feeling. I was also having a terrible time sleeping. I would dream all this crazy stuff, so nutty that I couldnít even put it words. About 2 days ago, I can actually say that Iím at 80% of ďnormalĒ sleeping SO much better now but I still havenít got back on board. Fear has been trying to put its grip on me, you know that voice that tells you youíre a failure, youíre just going to gain your weight back again, why tryÖ..etc. I been feeding this adversary and heís gaining ground. Btw, when I say Iíve been feeding him its literal Ė chocolate candy, late night cereal, cheesy pasta, and so on. Iím convinced that I have gained at least 10 lbs since the holidays. I havenít weight myself in ďfearĒ on the results but I can feel and see the difference. So is this the end of yet another great weight loss effort? It was quit a journey I just had my first Sparkversary on February 6th. I am in GREAT need for accountability and encouragement. A couple of co-workers thought that maybe I was over doing it in fitness and not feeding my body properly and thatís why I flat lined. It highly possible but doesnít make me feel any better. I worse part of all this is my husband had made a few comments to me recently about getting myself back on board. Although I donít think he had any negative intentions but I took it that way. What I heard was you better get it together or youíre just going to stay fat and get fatter! You have to understand my husband had never commented on my weight ever, my health yes but, weight never. So something happened to my psyche hard to explain but let me try. Itís almost like Iím being stubborn not to exercise because HE said I should. Can anyone relate to that? I know I have to get over this and I have to do it for ME and by not doing it now I feel like Iím making that statement. A statement like: ďOh, heck no, I will exercise when I want toĒ; ďI am doing this for me NOT for youĒ; ďKeeping telling me what to do and I wonít do anythingĒ. I know itís ridiculous but thatís where Iím at. I really need a good talking to.

So now itís out thereÖÖÖ..Iím moving on to the good.

1. I took a 5 mile walk on Friday and it was great.
2. I continue to walk a mile at work daily (weather permitting)
3. Iím feeling better daily.
4. I log onto Sparks daily
5. I made the budget cuts, Iím still employed
6. I was appoint the Childrenís Director for my church
7. Iím eliminating debt and it feels GREAT
8. I will continue this journey because itís not a diet ITíS A LIFESTYLE
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SPARKVAMPY2012 2/21/2011 4:07PM

    OH I can totally relate to the DH comment. I have went thru the EXACT same thing. And I was stubborn and refused to workout...but it was only hurting me, not him. I just try to remember he meant well and it just came out wrong (typical man). LOL
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MKBOELE 2/17/2011 1:40PM

    Glad to see you back Lisa! So sorry you are feeling down and feeling like that! I understand the resentment towards hubby - do that myself when he can eat whatever he wants and not gain an ounce and I look at something wrong and it's on my hips - his smallest "encouraging" remarks set me off. Please try to get back at it - One of these days we are going to run into each other at Lagoon Valley and exercise together so you have to stay on here and keep it going! Not because I said so - but because I know you want to! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 2/17/2011 9:48AM

    I've been missing your blogs & now I know why you haven't been writing. It's tough to blog when you know you're sliding off the rails... even though that's the most useful time.

3 weeks ago, I was in much the same place as you are. I spent a week purposely stuffing myself to the point of pain. I ate nothing but sugar & fat, in massive quantities. I still haven't weighed myself from that little misadventure.

That same voice you hear, the one that tells you that you can't possibly keep the weight off, is in my head too. Jerk. Liar. The truth is that we have it within our power to make healthy choices.

Hubby is not to blame & you know it. It wasn't HIM giving you a hard time, it was YOU. Your fears. Your pain. You. You decided to let things go & you can decide to pick them up again. Nothing to do with him.

What helped me to get on track:

1. Taking time to refocus on the positive. Negative thoughts only demotivate us. I'd love to see you write a sparkversary blog listing all the changes you've made in the last year. Shifting perspective, looking at the big picture, can really make a difference in our thinking.

2. Started a new exercise class and shook up my at-home routine. Even though the yoga class is only 1x/wk, just signing up for it got me remotivated to exercise daily... and then I tried snowshoeing and fell in love. Maybe you need to fall in love with something new too? What could you try?

3. Took an active role in shutting up that negative voice. Made an effort to invite my inner cheerleader to come forward again. emoticon Borrow her anytime you like.

I understand your fears and worries and fallibility. We are human. This is a process. Just because you're off track, doesn't mean you need to stay there. I believe in you. I've seen what you've done in the past year. So come on girl, you can do this. One step at a time...

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SRAPP707 2/16/2011 11:32PM

    You've been such a motivation to me. Simply for my sake, I hope you don't quit! It's so tough to get past that stubbornness. You might even say to him after you come back from a run or something: "I just did X miles and I did it for me, not for you!" He might be a little bewildered, but maybe it will help you feel like you're in control?

You ARE in control. You MAKE the choices. Make 'em good ones.

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B2B2BA 2/16/2011 9:00PM

    Great blog. I totally get the stubbornness, too. I don't want anyon telling me I HAVE to do something. But you've been doing this long enough; you know that your body needs activity and healthy fuel.

Bumps in the road happen; you may have to start a couple steps back but you won't be starting all over again.

Here's to getting back on the road!

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Sara

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