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    TEENY_BIKINI   127,732
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Day 415: Bring It to the Castle

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The sun is out. The unusually cold weather has taken a vacation just for today. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day [one of the dumber made-up holidays] – I got up early to ride Denzel [my new Schwinn 240 indoor recumbent bike.]

People always assume I don’t like Valentine’s Day because I am single.

I don’t like made-up holidays that “require” me to buy things for adults with jobs. I remain gainfully employed to pay my mortgage, interrupt my beauty sleep, talk to a lot of people with whom I have nothing in common and to buy dumb things for myself – not other people.

But I digress…

Spring is in the air and I am feeling spring-y. I am psyched to get “stuff done” today.

And I am only a half an hour late to work – which is the new “on time.” [Spread the word.]

The phone rings on my desk. I usually press the reject button [this is the coolest invention EVER. It sends people right to voicemail - which is a good thing because the odds are I do not want to talk to them.]

I answer reluctantly – deciding between finishing my coffee and forced conversation.

Caller ID is being cryptic as well.

“Hello.”

“Hey, it’s Ben.” [Clearly, I should have chosen coffee. Grumbles.]

“Oh crap.” I snarled. “Why are you on my phone?” [Yes, I said it. Whatever. At least I didn’t say suck it or use the F word – and I don’t mean flower.]

Here is the deal.

Ben said he wanted to be exclusive just before his vacation last July and never came back, choosing not to contact me again until months later, and then explaining he was being stalked and um…was unable to call. [Yes, the story is dumb. Ben is dumb.]

I cried. I was hurt. I got over it.

Okay, back to Ben…

Today, I am annoyed because my attention is now shifted from work [with which I rarely sustain prolonged interest] to what will inevitably be a dumb conversation.

“I know. You are probably busy working,” he demured. He is so annoyingly nonchalant – if he weren’t on the phone, I would be metaphorically hitting him with it.

“If I knew it were you I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. What do you want? Talk fast.” I said through gritted, trying-to-be-professional teeth.

[I don’t do public drama or scenes. Chez tacky.]

“Ouch.” He says a little wounded - but proceeded to weave an idiot’s tale with conviction. “I explained what happened and I know I could have handled the situation better. Have you ever been stalked? It is really wild.”

I interrupt. “Let me be clear with you. I do not care,” I said sharply. [Because I don’t.]

Here is what I learned from dating last year.

I had issues I had to resolve.

Me.

Not the people I was dating.

Me.

Boundaries?

I was horrible with setting boundaries with men

Because I always needed to leave the door open for the lukewarm promise of affection

And if I set a boundary

I thought respect was a price they were not willing to pay.

And so I settled - saying yes or maybe when I really meant no – clinging and clinging until teeny tiny pieces of my soul were chipped away.

Because some attention – half-hearted and distant though it may be – was better than none.

Communication?

I always thought I was a direct and clear communicator until I realized when dating that I am only great at communication when I do not expect or want love in return.

Suddenly, I am no longer the velvet hammer [which I adore] and I morph into just plain wishy washy

Because I want to leave the door to love open.

In retrospect, there is a good chance I didn’t communicate clearly enough with Ben in our goodbye conversation many moons ago...

I said something like “be careful” [just in case Glenn Close was really cookin’ bunnies in his kitchen and I was raised right] and “I wish you the best in your future” [without me. Duh.]

I know. Right? So mature [and no F-word. Who knew that was a thing?!]

But this leads me to believe I am also too nice [for all of the reasons stated above.]

“Let me be clear with you - do not call me ever again. This IS our last conversation. Do you understand?” I said in a staccato and deliberate way to Ben this time around.

“Yes, ma’am,” he whimpered. [Ma’am?! You are like 2 billion years older than me. More coffee now… Click.]

Something about last year – and everything I learned here about myself – seemed like training camp. And this year feels like I am being tested.

Honestly, there was a time where lame people and lame excuses were enough

Because I never felt I was.

That time is over.

If they want me – they can call me, special deliver themselves to my front door, fall through my roof…whatever.

They know where to find me.

I am the Queen of me and I am always in my castle.

And the days where I am nice to other people in lieu of loving myself are over.

So bring it.

Bring it to the castle.

That is where I live.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALASKAPSYCH 6/2/2011 6:07PM

    I am the Queen of me and I am always in my castle.

I so want this to be my credo . . . .

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DRB13_1 5/28/2011 1:56PM

    The fact your cousin feels she has to make up a lie sure speaks volumes, hummm?
And we know the cats only tolerate us emoticon

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KOKOMOROCK 5/12/2011 1:37PM

  I am loving it !

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SHANTISHANTI 5/12/2011 10:41AM

    Bring it!!!

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BIGOLEDIVA 4/3/2011 3:59PM

    LOLOL.... this reminded me of a blog I wrote 2 year ago about what men really want...there was a part about how if all women forced men to confront their bad behavior- it sure would make it easier on the "next woman" I just hope Ben's "next" reads this blog and gived you the HEARTY THANK YOU you deserve! In fact I hope all the MEN on SO read it and think twice before they exhibit similar bad behavior and dumb non-excuses to some woman...knowing their crap will be callde to answer for it( rather than some stupid chick telling them- it's OK- I understand) is a service to ALL womankind! PREACH on GF!

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WANT2DROPLBS 3/28/2011 11:42PM

  I loved this blog thank you so much for sharing this really opened my eyes to some events in my life right now. Loved It!!!!!! emoticon emoticon You are a strong beautiful women.

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NEENER967 3/25/2011 3:39PM

    OMG! I adore your honesty!!! I am so envious of the way you take control of life's situations and DO NOT settle for being a door matt. I am working at that, but am so not there yet. Bye, bye, Ben! All hail the Queen - Enjoy that castle, girl! YOU ROCK!!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/25/2011 3:40:38 PM

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BARBARAWEBSTER 3/11/2011 5:38AM

    emoticon Well, my dear, you've done it again. I had a heart attack last fri, you can read about it in my last two blogs. Hope all is well with you. Miss you much! emoticon emoticon B

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MAMA23GRLZ1BOY 3/9/2011 1:21PM

    LOVED, LOVED, LOVED this! You are the queen! Bring it to the Castle! I am so glad that you have learned these things about yourself and that you are putting yourself and your needs and your happiness first! I'm glad that you will never settle, no matter what!

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DIREXTOR 3/8/2011 8:16PM

    "Bring it to the castle"! emoticon

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ARDELIAC 3/8/2011 8:09AM

    emoticon

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HARISHABAD 3/7/2011 10:35PM

    Um, yeah... Ben calling after all this time??? I'd be like, "You're joking, right?"

What happened was, whoever he was dating while he was being "stalked" just told him where to shove it.

And so now he's going through his book to see who else he can scare up.

I don't think so.

I'm proud of you for being polite while telling him to kiss off.

Hold to your own standards, girlfriend! Only you know how to live your own life.

emoticon

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MOMMYBYCHOICE 3/7/2011 10:26AM

    how did I miss this one?.......

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JAZZID 3/5/2011 2:41PM

    Bye, bye Ben..."NEXT!!!!"... Keep making it happen... emoticon

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HONNEE1 3/4/2011 12:24AM

    you go girl another great one for the books. emoticon

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ENERGIZED4LIFE 3/3/2011 8:26AM

    ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!!!
emoticon

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LJCANNON 3/2/2011 10:27AM

    You have obviously GROWN a lot~~~Not a single F-Bomb, and if anyone deserved it I'd say the Guy who called before Coffee did deserve it.
emoticon Keep Growing, and stay in that Castle. You have earned it!!!

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SUNFLOWERGRRL 3/2/2011 9:56AM

    Great blog and you are 100% right. He sounds like a nut job. No wonder he got stalked. Sometimes crazy attracts crazy.

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MOTIVATIONFOUND 3/1/2011 7:17PM

    You rock! Enough said. :)

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BETHV10 3/1/2011 1:58PM

    You are awesome!!! emoticon

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SMOCKON 3/1/2011 12:07PM

    (QUEUE APPLAUSE) Seriously, another fantastic blog.

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MARCYNA 3/1/2011 10:00AM

    Sharing so much of this, particularly:
'Because some attention – half-hearted and distant though it may be – was better than none.'
I love your using the past tense....hope I'll be as clever as you, should I ever talk to Mr. Wrong on the phone again,,,thanks for being SO INSPIRATIONAL.
lots of real love

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LJAMISON6135 2/28/2011 6:21PM

    I love that you tell it like it is!

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TURQUOISELOTUS 2/27/2011 1:01PM

    Loved your blog as always! LOL, Ben sounds like... an escaped 'patient'. And the first, last, and only thing one ever seems to do with 'patients' is set limits.

Good for you for setting limits... that's powerful stuff. You get goin' with your diva self! emoticon

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LINIS_THIN 2/27/2011 8:27AM

    I LOVE IT !! I LOVE YOU!!

I was sooo busy lately that I did not notice I lost my subscription to your blogs till today! I gots some catching up to do!!

You did the right thing with ben!
GO YOU!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NITELITE72 2/26/2011 10:03PM

    I always love your blogs! I have laughed when appropriate and cried when I could feel your pain! I wish I could put my feelings into words the way you do, but we are not all gifted in that area! LOL
Thank you for your honesty...it helps me learn so many things!

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NITABEAN82 2/26/2011 5:40PM

    Speak your mind. Life is too short to deal with people we don't have to, if we don't want to.
Velvet, or sledge, let the hammer fall!!!


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NCPANFAN 2/26/2011 11:55AM

    I loved your blog as usual. I have been busy so i don't get here on timely visits anymore but I always look forward to checking in on you! You inspire me and I wish you the love you deserve when the time comes and love walks in your door! Have a great day!

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ANDREA409 2/26/2011 10:20AM

    Absolutely freakin' LOVE this blog. Powerful, thoughtful woman, You! emoticon

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TMARIEONFIRE 2/26/2011 2:39AM

    This was an awesome read. I can totally relate to all of the above lessons learned and in progress. Go you!! You ARE worth respect and i totally get the being a great communicator ..until.. you actually WANT love back. It is hard sometimes to realize there is so much awesomeness and great people in the world and that we all get to, and can, share in it. Just got to work around some dweebs every now and then. :)

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CDGOLDILOCKS 2/25/2011 10:01PM

    Good for you. You deserve better. It reminds me of that book "He's just not that in to you." The autrhor wrote something to the effect that basically if a man wants you, NOTHING will stop him. And lame excuses are just that: lame. Rock on sistah!

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DOTTYLADYBUG 2/25/2011 3:38PM

    Ah...got nothing to say but, I love ya.

You ROCK!

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NOLAZYBUTT110 2/25/2011 12:35PM

    Teeny_Bikini... some times I think there is a time to be nice.. and another time to be ICE cold! And tell them because if this is the Ben I know your better of walking away and changing your phone number! Because he will just call again (because he's got issues, Mommy issues, he needs a Mommy!)

But please do keep a door open to love and caresses and a RING and future with Mr Right! You want to balance your power of persusion and your power of the Velvety hammer now! Hugs! susan emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/25/2011 12:37:21 PM

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FLY0NTHEWAL1 2/25/2011 9:25AM

    Your blogs always remind me to respect myself and to forget anyone who chooses not to.

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GETDONE 2/25/2011 1:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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2BMYOWN 2/24/2011 9:28PM

    I gotta go with FABAT402009 on this one.....I have learned SO much just from reading your blogs that I SHOULD have known 40 years ago but didn't! LOL Well, some of us are slow learners.....what can I say. I just don't know what we'll all do if you ever leave sparkpeople, you'll have to write a book!!!!! Or a newsletter we can all get in all of our emails! It's really heartening to see someone so youthful 'workin' her life' so well, keep up the awesome self-work. I hope a LOT of younger people read these......I think there are a lot of women out there who fall in the same traps over and over again during their youthful years, and that's a shame. Thanx for another great read!

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BLYNN710 2/24/2011 6:18PM

    I must say that I wish I had your strength. I can totally relate to the wishy-washy when it comes to boundaries. Glad that you told him how it is.



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CATHRINE2010 2/24/2011 4:49PM

    I cannot believe that a-hole had the nerve to call you again! What a double loser!! WAy to Go. Get rid of him forever! Your cats love you more,YOur spark people adore you. He can just go!! You Rule this year and we are all rooting for you. Who needs a man anyway( I mean they have their uses but most feel that they are actually really more than they are) Go enjoy one and throw him away too!LOL Love ya emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TIFFANIE150 2/24/2011 4:05PM

    YES!

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HALLVA 2/24/2011 3:41PM

  Ahahahahaha! AMEN!!!!

(Also: Get out of my head!)

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JUSTFOXXY 2/24/2011 1:54PM

    Hammer, don't hurt 'em emoticon

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DIVINEPRINCESS 2/24/2011 9:56AM

    Rock on with yo' bad self! You are indeed the Queen of Your Castle--and to all the Bens of the world.....let her be perfectly clear..."NOT in HER house." Not anymore. Not ever again. Queen Teeny-Bikini no longer has to give up herself to get along with you.

Girl, I continue to be one of your biggest fans. I love what you've learned about yourself. They're lessons to me, too.

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SPOKENWORD 2/24/2011 8:32AM

    Love it Queen! :)

emoticon

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KAMINOR 2/24/2011 2:00AM

    WELL SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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KENAITZE 2/23/2011 11:12PM

    u r my hero.

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FABAT402009 2/23/2011 11:11PM

    I don't know how I keep missing your blog updates but that's ok I savor them anyway!!!!


Please keep spreading your wisdom!!! We're all learning to love ourselves better because of it!!!




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PAPER_WINGS18 2/23/2011 9:21PM

    AWESOME blog! I am so proud of you as I do not think I'd have the restraint that you did! Id let my temper flair and drop F-bombs left and right :) he he. So mad props to you and your attitude! You seem like a strong woman and I am very happy that you are finding YOU! :D

All the best,

Victoria

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RAINBOWANGEL99 2/23/2011 8:45PM

    Another GREAT blog Teeny! emoticon I emoticon your attitude & new sense of self worth. Three cheers for the Queen of the Castle!!! emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon xxx

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