my head won't stop spinning

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I've been staring at this blank purple box wondering where to start. I've started and deleted and started again. I'm feeling so full of self-loathing and confusion today. It all started yesterday. I weighed in and only lost 1.2 pounds. It's my own fault, obviously, because no one forces me to eat food. I've been weighing myself every other week because I am trying to break my obsession with the scale. I've also been having MAJOR scale anxiety for some reason. When it is weigh day I literally get some big time anxiety going. I think it's because I'm so disappointed with myself for having to lose this weight all over again and I am so mad that the scale isn't moving fast enough. It sure moved fast going up!

So I had some errands to run yesterday and my daughter came with. She says "we should go out to lunch". I was totally prepared to say no and stick to it but I had a completely unexpected surprise of a child support check...that's another story but in short I am owed $30,000 in arrears. So what do we do? We go to a freakin' buffet!! Now I was driving. It was my money. The decision was completely in my hands. I messed up! So feeling guilty I put off eating dinner. Next thing you know it is 12:30am and I'm eating a WHOLE frozen pizza! yep all 1200 calories worth. I don't even know why I was up so late. Probably because I can't stop thinking about my Mike situation and a whole lot of other major things I have going on.

Sometimes I wonder if my metabolism has packed it's bags and left. The things I've done to it could probably be considered domestic violence! Gain weight, lose weight, work out like a mad woman, turn into a couch potato. My poor metabolism doesn't know if it's coming or going!

I also know that from my last experience with weight loss that my body now requires lots of exercise. Three years ago I lost 40 pounds in about 4 months very easily and with very, and I do mean very, little exercise. I started dating Mike who was a work out fanatic. I joined the gym and we worked out together at least four times a week. He pushed me when I didn't feel like going and vice versa. I dropped another 25 but toned up big time and had lots of muscle. At that time I noticed I was starting to eat more but it wasn't showing up on the scale at all because of the strength training.

In addition to eating more I broke two bones in my foot while walking down the stairs and texting! Can you believe it?? My kids and I still laugh about it. That led to me taking a month long break from working out and then it was Christmas and the downward spiral continued.

So after two years of on again off again with Mike I finally called it quits for good...well for 14 months because we started texting a few weeks ago....but the downward spiral still kept going. NOW he wants to get together!! OMG!! I am EIGHTY POUNDS heavier than when we split up!! We have had this unexplainable physical attraction to each other for 9 years. We never acted on it because either I was married or he was in a relationship. Well FINALLY after six years we were both single at the same time! It truly was a dream come true! Until I realized that he would always remain the eternal bachelor. A year into our relationship I accepted Christ as my Savior and I was having a major moral struggle with the "physical attraction" so I had to let him go.

Oh man this really is all over the place isn't it. This is why I feel like I'm losing my mind today. I can't have a complete thought to save me soul.

So back to him wanting to see me. I know he's thinking "booty call" because that was such a huge part of our past. So part of me is glad I've turned into a fatty because I can resist seeing him. There's no way in hell I want him to see me like this!! But there is this huge part of me that wants to see him so badly! I miss his hugs! He is a big guy...6'6" and 270 pounds of solid muscle. He is the only man that I felt truly small around. Oh man I am just so confused. I'm so afraid he will be repulsed by the sight of me and I'm even more afraid that he won't be (he's always liked bigger women because he is so big) and we will get back together and he will break my heart again.

On a good note my phone call with him made me dust off the treadmill or dreadmill as I like to call it. I walked 25 minutes and as much as I don't like the treadmill it did remind me that I like to sweat. I liked to workout and feel the burn. However on a self-loathing note I started getting really down on myself for being so out of shape. My reflection in the mirror disgusted me. How did I let myself go for so long!?!

Well whatever...I've dragged this blog out long enough but I was hoping that I would feel better if I got it all out in print. Not so sure it's working yet.

Crap!! I just wish my head would stop spinning!
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