Friday, February 11, 2011
Yesterday, I realized that for the last few weeks, I have been logging, but my sabotaging brain was acting out, in the background.
It was pretty insidious and was slowly but surely making progress at reinstating old lifestyle habits. At first sight, one could have thought that all was well, since I was still logging. However some symptoms did not escape the vigil I have put in place whose job is to keep me truthful.
And he had remarked a few times how I was loosely following the rules lately. He peaked at some moments when the saboteur was not on watch and pointed out some foods that I had not logged in the day before. And the saboteur would promptly awake and justify: "bah, it's minimal, just a pickle" But lately that just a pickle became "just a pirouline". Vigil would object hey a pirouline is 120 cal! And Justify would argue well, you already accepted that we go over the budget today, over 2000 cal, 120 is insignificant." And that would hit Vigil in the gut with guilt.
While assisting to that debate, I realized that in the last weeks, rather than logging in and checking where I was at at every meal, I would eat whatever and log in at night...
Since I had discounted the calorie suggestion from Spark, I had not set a new limit. counting myself happy when I was below the 2000. This insidious oblivion was playing in favor of Justify which was taking advantage of my emotional turmoils of the last few weeks (financial distress, lack of follow through with the life organizing processes I was starting to implement ruining the self confidence I was building).
One thing is for sure: Justify will not help me reach my goals. It only wants to be right and to be listen to. It could careless about anything else than its little comfort. I have to support Vigil and give him clear mandates.
And I am back on the shake this morning after several days of bah....