This will NEVER happen to us!!!
It could happen to any of us...
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horten's said to
me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and
something that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid
a five-spot, I started to head back out to the car to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever
said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
I stood there stupefied. I am 54, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior
I took my food and walked out to the car wondering what was wrong with
Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with
utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a person elderly! It could happen to
I turned and headed back to the car. I slipped the key into the
ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried
another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view
mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back
seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially
eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to
finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled
and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to
I swung the car around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this
point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the car, and suddenly a young
lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding
up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in
my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like
this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I
was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, My wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.