Monday, February 07, 2011
I have had the flu (i think) for the past week. Totally incapacitated. Dead to the world, passed out in bed, achy, feverish, vomiting, no appetite, destroyed. I still have a bad cough from it, and haven't quite gotten my voice back.
The silver lining? I lost 3 pounds.
The home situation is still a bitch. The hubby and I haven't been fighting quite as much, but there is still a lot of stress. On the bright side, the living situation looks like it will be improving. We are moving next weekend. His boss is letting us stay in one of his rental houses. We don't even have to pay rent, just utilities. This will be a HUGE financial help, especially since we are going to be paying our car off in a week with our tax return. Not having that car payment hanging over our broke asses will be a huge weight off the shoulders.
Today my struggle is motivation. Not just for exercise, but for school. Last week I was totally out of it. Didn't do even 5 minutes of homework or studying. I AM SO BEHIND. If I don't get my shit together I am going to fail. LET THE PANIC ATTACKS BEGIN!
Every time I get on my computer and even LOOK at my school bookmarks I start to freak. I just shake and can't bring myself to even LOOK at the websites. I miss my zoloft so much right now. So I avoid. I cook. I take showers. I do laundry. I even EXERCISE. Yeah. Right now I am going to take another shower, shave the legs, and go for a run. You know I am freaking out about something when I would rather work out than do it.
I just want to be happy again. I want to have fun. I need something to look forward to. I know things are there, but this stress and depression and anxiety is blinding me. I need entertainment. I need a distraction.
And the icing on the cake? I was so sick this weekend that I had to miss my best friend's son's first birthday party. At the party he walked for the first time.