(Recently found photo from 2005)
It has occurred to me that in 2011, I will be “celebrating” four years of healthy living. No…wait…it actually signifies four years of me, attempting to deal with my weight issues.
Four years of a continual struggle.
Four years of monitoring what I eat.
Four years of pushing myself to walk that extra mile, put in that extra ten minutes of weights, run, stretch, jump, etc.
Four years of constant guilt.
Four year of worry. Four years of wishing, hoping, enduring.
I want this part over before I hit the four year mark – by the time November rolls around, I want to be at the “maintenance” part of the journey.
I had not thought it would take me so long.
Don’t get me wrong – I feel great – but that constant struggle is starting to wear thin.
In November I hit my lowest weight – 160 pounds. I was thrilled, ecstatic, over-the-moon. And then, like so many times before, I hit my wall. Christmas came, and suddenly I was exhausted of the constant monitoring and working out. 320 pound ME was alive and wanted to take over again. Amazingly, at 160 pounds, I could still inhale my pre-healthy quantities of food.
I’m struggling, but I see the necessity to finish this once and for all – regardless of how much I love pizza, chocolate, cake and candy. Regardless of the new cravings that I have developed – I had not realized that when I started to clean up my eating habits, how much greater my food desires would become. I find that an increasingly large amount of my time is spent focusing on food.
Yes, I will eat healthy for a lifetime, and I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to reestablish my accountability to myself. I have no idea how much damage I did to myself over the holidays (I am refusing to step onto a scale, for fear of the reality) – I can guess by how my clothing feels, but I need to stop this vicious cycle.
I recently found pictures of myself from 2006..and I’m embarrassed by what I became…I can’t go back to that…I’ve come to far, worked too hard….and yet I’m so exhausted.
It is time to pick myself up, and just get through this…